


Dorks have feelings too

by Potatogirrrl



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Background Reiner/Berthold, Dorks, Dorks in Love, Eren Yeager Being an Asshole, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Homophobia, Jean Is A Little Shit, M/M, Marco Bott/Jean Kirstein-centric, Marco is a Sweetheart, Sloppy Makeouts, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-27
Updated: 2017-03-01
Packaged: 2018-09-12 15:25:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 43,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9078646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Potatogirrrl/pseuds/Potatogirrrl
Summary: Jean is an awkward dork (though he doesn't admit it) who works in a music shop. One day a freckled fairy walks in and buys a record, making the horse question his sexuality. Slow-build relationship. Friends to lovers. Jean's potty mouth. Reviews are welcomed ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ Reincarnation AU





	1. Un

I was gonna die. I was gonna die and everyone will have a party in my memory and cake and jolly songs, talking about what an asshole I was during my short life. That was all I could think of in the middle of History class, while the room was spinning around me and my head almost cracked open because of the ache. You're not gonna drink in the middle of the week ever again, Kirschtein! I pushed my sunglasses further on my nose and sipped from my coffee, looking at the projection on the wall. I wasn't the smartest guy, that was for sure. I wanted to turn around and slap the shit out of Sasha who kept kicking my chair with the tip of her shoe and Connie who scribbled too damn loud on his notepad. I turned around and threw him an annoyed look, through my glasses and he shrugged his shoulders. Armin was panicked and made me a sign to turn around so I sighed. Bunch of losers. A ball of paper hit my head and I picked it, straightening to find Eren's ugly hand-writing who quoted: The horse can't handle his alcohol? I turned around and showed him my middle finger while holding a book up to mask it and then rested against the uncomfortable chair, trying not to fall asleep right there. It was truly a quest and I wrinkled my nose when I felt the tinge of vomit that was still coming from my pants, even with the superficial washing this morning. Fuck my life. I was dead by the end of the lecture and I blocked the row because I had to tie my shoelaces and I couldn't throw up again. I probably got sworn by a few but honestly, I couldn't give less fucks so I took my time and then got outside, picking up my leather jacket and throwing it on my shoulder. I was still shaking but I lit a cigarette and rested my back against the building, looking around at the loud crowd. There were plenty of exchange students so there were just as many foreign languages and I was glad I spoke French because it was really helpful at times.

I had another course but I decided to go to sleep a little before going to my part-time job. I was working at a record store in my free time because I wanted to be independent and my passion was kind of expensive. I got there in no time and met Ymir who threw me a dirty look.

"You're late" I shrugged my shoulders and went in the back to unwrap the new collection of CD's that came. I began to put them on shelves in the Pop section and stopped when I saw it was all girly music. Britney Spears and shit. I was still doing that when it could be heard all over the shop: "Jean Kirschtein is asked to move his ass to the cash desk" I rolled my eyes and ignored the way people looked at me but did as I was told, taking a big breath because of the effort.

"The fuck, Ymir?" I asked the freckled girl as she tied her hair up, holding pins between her lips.

"I'm going out with Krista for a little bit, you stay here" I rolled my eyes because she was always out with her cute little girlfriend, probably fucking in weird places, while I was blocked there with a killing headache and a lot of customers on my butt. I sighed but didn't comment because it was useless and I was tired of this shit. I sat on the chair and continued the next few hours wrinkling my nose at the sight of the bad taste in music my customers had. But I wasn't supposed to tell them anything so I took my time to play an album I liked in the store and ignored the pink and glittery things I was selling. That until someone handled me a Kesha album and I took the thing with a low growl, typing the code inside the computer by hand because the scanner didn't recognised it. Did people really buy those things?

"What the fuck" I muttered under my breath when I saw the code wasn't working and I looked at the customer to see a tall guy, looking at me nervous with big chocolate eyes, hid behind thick and black glasses. Those nerdy glasses, though, couldn't hide the trail of freckles that was covering his face, forming an especially cute line from one cheek to the other. He ran his hand through his black curls almost nervous and I had to clear my throat, trying to focus. He must've been the prettiest male I have ever seen. No homo.

"I-is there anything wrong?" his voice was the hoarse type, warm and friendly and his fingers began to play with the first button of his jean shirt, showing me he had freckled hands too. He avoided to look in my eyes so I looked at the counter again and nodded.

"It's not reading the code, could you get another copy?" He accepted and left, leaving me with a row of customers that all had shitty taste in music. Not that the freckled dude didn't have - I mean Kesha? Seriously? I puffed while I was scanning another Anti album and after I gave the change to the teenage girl who smiled brightly at me the guy appeared again, holding the same album. I tried to scan it again but the same thing happened. "What the fuck?" I groaned annoyed and he chuckled, filling the room with a nice, ringing sound.

"It's not meant to be" I looked up, not believing what he was saying and I huffed.

"Well, maybe it's better like this cause this is shit" I said pointing to the album and realized I probably sounded like a judging asshole. I looked up and saw his ears were beet red and he was grimacing, making me feel even worse. He wasn't saying anything because he was polite, unlike some douchebags.

"It's for a friend's birthday" he muttered and I felt the need to break the earth open and let it eat me whole.

"Sorry, man, look, just leave the money and take it, I'm gonna figure it out somehow" I said smiling, though I sure as hell didn't know how the fuck I was going to "figure it out". He blinked, surprised and then rubbed his nose with a finger, reminding me of Ron Weasley in the first Harry Potter movie.

"Are you sure this is okay?" I nodded.

"Yea" I took the five dollars he left on the counter and put the thing in the bag, offering it to him. "Have a nice day, visit us again" I smiled fakely.

"Thanks" He left, leaving me with some pre-teen girls who were buying Justin Bieber and as soon as Ymir arrived I took my leave, heading for the student dorm where I crashed on the bed, ignoring the kissing sounds that were coming from the other bed where my roommate was getting the hots with his girlfriend. The thing was very small and honestly, I was saving to move out because I was tired of all this bullshit - having to share the place with some dude I barely saw. His name was Thomas and he was fucking almost non-stop. I placed my headphones on and played some music, trying to fall asleep. A few hours later, when I woke up, Thomas was gone so I opened the window that was next to my one-person bed and lit a cig, looking at the campus that was already catching life. My phone buzzed and lit and I saw it was Sasha calling so I answered it.

"Party! All horses invited at room 303, A2" I rolled my eyes. I didn't have a fucking horse-face!

"Fuck you, Sasha!"

"But you're gonna be here, right?" I had nothing better to do so I decided I should go, putting some alright-clothes on. I picked a black shirt with a pair of black jeans and brushed my hair, looking to see it was the same weird colour. Everyone asked me if I was dying my hair because it was blonde but the undercut was brown and the answer was no - I just had weird as fuck hair. There were black circles under my eyes and when I arrived at the party I wondered what the hell I was looking for there. Sasha and Connie came running to me, Con wearing a pink glittery pullover and I rolled my eyes because they were still hyperactive.

"Jeaaaaaaan!" Sasha yelled and I realized she was drunk as piss. "Have some beer, man" She offered me a bottle that I took, willingly and then pushed me inside. It was one of those fancy dorms where they have more than a room and even a bathroom so I found some guys playing beer-pong while others were almost fucking on the couch. Ymir and Krista were making out in a corner and I could swear Ymir's hand was under Krista's shirt, on her boobs and I spot Jaeger angrily playing video-games while taking shots with Mikasa. She must've been the most beautiful girl in our year but all she could see and follow was Eren so I had no chance at that. I sat down on the couch, looking nowhere in particular and began to drink again until we all began dancing and I found myself grinding against some blonde bimbo that was running her fingers through my hair.

"I love your hair" She grinned and I smiled sarcastic because I hated it. "I'm Helen"

"Jean" I said and a song I loved came along so I started dancing even more vigorously, making her giggle. She was alright, I guess and by the end of the night we were making out in the bathroom, my hand in all the wrong places. She was obviously wanting more but I didn't feel like it so I parted and she looked at me shocked. It was funny cause her hair was all over the place and she had no shirt on.

"What?" She asked and I shrugged my shoulder.

"Maybe another time, babe" I winked and got out, deciding it was the time to leave the party. I found Connie and told him I was off and soon I was walking my way to my dorm, chain-smoking and looking at the cold pave ground so I wouldn't get dizzy. I was gonna be so sick in the morning, I knew that. And tomorrow I had an early shift. I took a short shower and went straight to bed, trying to fall asleep as soon as possible but having my thoughts go in all directions. I dreamt the same thing that was haunting me over and over again - I was a soldier in a world filled with enormous monsters who ate humans. I was defending humanity but at the same time I was scared and heartbroken while doing so. I always woke up with a bitter taste after these dreams and I had a fucking weird deja-vouz. I was gonna look for a better place this weekend and I was unsettled by the whole process because I was going to have a new roommate and I was shit with people, or better said, I was only surrounded by shitty people and that made me feel anxious, especially that I had to face them alone. I mean, sure, I had retarded friends but no one with whom I could really talk my thoughts. The next few days were shitty, that until Friday came and I was almost closing the shop, thinking about my free weekend. And the damn entrance bell rang, making me curse annoyed. Fucking fuckers who came right before closing time. I couldn't stop my frown.

"Umm, is it still open?" I knew that voice so I turned around and saw Freckles - yeah, that's how I was going to call him because it was fitting. Because freckles.

"If you're fast, yes, if you're here to look around, no" I said and he chuckled (it was almost like a giggle), obviously feeling a little awkward.

"Actually, I am not here to buy, I am here to ask you if... umm" he looked away and I frowned. "Well, could I put this poster here?" He offered me a white paper and saw it was one of those posters that was extremely dry - a poster meant to find a roommate. "I guess here are a lot more chances to find someone around my age" I looked at him incredulous and then scanned the poster again. The expenses were alright, I knew exactly what dorm it was about and in addition, it was close to my main building. But it was insane to move with someone I barely knew. But if I was going to hunt another place, it would be the same and Freckles seemed nice, not the psychopath type; maybe he was a womanizer or something but it didn't really matter as long as I was getting away from Thomas and his loud sex. The frown was obvious so he took the paper back. "It's alright if you're not allowed to" He smiled politely and I thought he was going to leave so I spoke.

"Give me your phone number and I will come to see the place" I said and he grasped the paper harder, making it crumple.

"Are you looking for a place?" I checked to see the counter was locked and pointed all my attention towards him. I nodded. "It's like a mini-apartment, there are two rooms but one of them is already taken so I am staying in a double one alone"

"Okay, can I come to see it tomorrow?" He nodded and I got the phone out, offering it to him. The screen was broken but I hoped he could manage to use it. He offered me back with the number and I pressed save. "Umm... your name?" I asked and chuckled, realizing how awkward this was.

"Marco" he said and I typed, thinking it was fitting. I showed him the name and he nodded surprised. "Most people write it with a k - especially at Starbucks"

"Retards" I snorted and he chuckled, coming closer to see the badge on my shirt that was indicating my name.

"Nice to meet you, Jean" He pronounced it in the American way and I sighed because the j was longer and it was totally French.

"Jean" I said and he rose both brows, surprised. "My family is French" I continued and he nodded. "Are you at Trost Uni?"

"Yeah, I major in biology" That shit was complicated so I almost felt bad when I told him my major was photography but he seemed impressed by it. Unlike most people, I was willing to take a risk and bet on my hobby to make a future - something my father was calling irresponsible and most people were calling stupid. Oh, well. He waited for me to close the shop and we walked in silence to the bus station. Outside it was cold and there were clouds coming out of my mouth, amusing me somehow. I grabbed my pack of cigarettes and lit one, making him look at me a little unsettled. "That's not good for your health" I laughed.

"No shit, Sherlock" He blushed and I stopped in tracks because he was... cute. Cute as fuck. I looked away and continued to smoke until my bus came and I dropped the thing, stepping on it and hurrying towards the monster machine. Before I stepped on I turned around. "I'll message you about tomorrow" He nodded, a little bit startled by my reactions and nodded, waving at me as the doors closed. I sat down and put my headphones on, closing my eyes and trying to rest all the way home. The night passed easily with me playing videogames with Connie, Sasha, Eren and Mikasa and the next day I texted Marco and we decided to meet in the afternoon so I could see the place. I was off on Saturdays so I spent my day lazing around and finishing some projects before I dressed casually and went to meet Marco in front of that building. He was waiting for me on the stairs, dressed in a fluffy hoodie and pajama pants with chickens all over. I burst into laughter when I saw him. "Seriously? Is that the guy I have to live with?"

"You're not accepted, yet" He said sarcastic and I grinned.

"Do I have to fill a paper or something?" He chuckled and shook his head, opening the door. It was on second floor so after we got up the stairs he opened the door and I had to drop my jaw because there were two guys, almost fucking on the hall. They were pressed against the wall, their chest smashed and their lips meeting hungrily while hands were searching for skin. One bulky blonde and a very tall and slim brunette guy that got beet red once he saw us. The blonde didn't look too intimidated, he just buttoned his pants and came to offer me a hand.

"Hi, I'm Reiner, you must be Jean" He said and I shook his hand, unsure what it touched before. Marco face-palmed.

"Guys! I've told you - sex only in your room!" He groaned annoyed and Reiner and I burst into laughter as the other one sneaked inside, not presenting himself.

"Bert is a little shy" Reiner said and then excused himself with an obvious intention. "Hope you'll stay" He offered me a military salute and then left us alone so I turned to watch the boy who looked extremely embarrassed.

"Sorry" He repeated and pointed in the direction we both went. The room we got in was huge compared to my actual, it had two single beds, once next to the window - that one was taken and the other one next to the wall, a big desk, a human-sized mirror and a few drawers next to the nightstands. It was looking good and I couldn't help but stop and stare at the posters with Legend of Zelda on the occupied wall. "We also have a bathroom but there is no tub" That was fine enough for me. I was used to one bath for the entire floor and that was fucking disgusting.

"Only 100 for all this?" I asked and he nodded, hesitant. I sat down on the bed that bounced. "When can I move in?" His face spread into a smile and after a few moments he realized he was asked something.

"Whenever you want. The only thing that might bother you is that Reiner and Bert are very loud at times and they are all over" I chuckled because Ymir and Krista were exactly the same and I told him I will move in at the end of the month because I paid in advance for the other place. "Reiner is the one I bought that album for"

"So he has loud sex and also has shit taste in music" He burst into laughter. "Don't worry, I will bring my collection over so I might be able to cure him. Do you play Legend of Zelda?" He nodded. "Skyrim?" He nodded again. "Dude, let's play together sometimes, you can play with me and my friends if you want"

"S-sure" I had the feeling we were going to get along really well because he wasn't the annoying type of human. I didn't stay long because I had to finish some papers until Monday so once I got home I put my bones to work, trying to get an average grade at least so I could pass. The day flew and in the last Wednesday of the month I was doing the morning shift at the store, placing some keyrings on the shelves properly. They had a Bowie I wanted so I picked it up and almost yelled at Ymir that I was taking it when I saw Marco entering the place with unsure steps. We haven't spoke almost at all ever since which was kinda weird because I was moving in later. "Are you working?" I looked at his face, that was still hidden behind those glasses and turned around to face a pissed Ymir.

"I'm having my break now" I announced and took my coat to dress it. "Wanna have lunch together?" He was taken aback but his dark eyes seemed happy, especially when he accepted so we got out where it was heavy raining and he opened his umbrella. "Shit"

"We can share" He offered and I swear in that moment I could see a halo around his head like he was a kind of weird Freckled Jesus. "Where do you want to eat? There is a bistro on the next street that has good food" Sure, I wasn't going to many places to eat because I was tight on money but once it was alright and it must've been good if he said so. It was a small place, with etno drawings all over and we found a table near a wall covered in photographs so I stood up to look at them better.

"These are good" I said and sat, just in time for the waiter to come and take our order. "By the way, what were you looking for at the shop?"

"I thought you would... err, suggest me some music. You see, I always preferred silence but now I want to try music" I couldn't believe there were many people who were not listening to music because I was obsessed with it - everyday, from morning to night I was listening to music. I gasped and he looked down. "I am a weirdo, I know"

"Nah, I know worse" I said and chuckled, making him smile. "You look like an indie type of guy, though, I could recommend my favorites" I continued more to myself and he looked at me interested and he bit from his burger. "You don't have to buy, I'll let you borrow my albums, I'm bringing them tonight" I said and bit from my cheeseburger, trying to restrain myself from talking with a full mouth.

"Is your hair natural?" I burst into laughter and nodded. "It's weird" I bowed my head so he could see better and surprisingly he ran his fingers through it, making me shiver, feeling a deja vu. What the fuck was wrong with me lately? A weird flash ran before my eyes, the exact same touch, the exact freckled smile but on a field, somewhere on emerald green grass, with an ancient tree above us. Green capes were on our shoulders and we were happy because we were together. I looked up to look at him again and felt something weird inside my tummy.

"Well, you have thousand of freckles on you" He bit his lower lip and I licked mine.

"Is that weird?" I shook my head and sipped from my coke.

"No, it's amazing. I never saw someone with so many" I grinned and he blushed faintly. We small-talked and he was a lot more outgoing that he seemed, once you got behind his shyness you could get real opinions, somewhat objective and down-to-earth. He was real nice too, he didn't have a judgemental bone in his body. I almost forgot about work in the hour we spent together and he offered to help me with the moving so he came in the evening to pick up some of the boxes I had. There wasn't much beside clothing, my camera and my music so it didn't take long - we got to the place I had to call home from now on and I put the things in the place I had. I got my posters out. "Can I put these on the wall?" I asked and Marco came to see what I was talking about. There were some posters with my favorite bands: The Smiths, The Doors and The Script.

"So you basically like anything that starts with a the" He said serious and I burst into laughter, hitting him with my elbow.

"It's not about the, dumbass, it's about the sound" I clarified and then stuck some of my photos on the wall. They were random, of tree houses or places I found pretty and I was surprised when I heard him gasp.

"These are amazing" I frowned. I couldn't say I was amazing or anything near and he was the first to look so taken with them so I felt embarrassed.

"Thanks, dude" I went to take a shower and soon we were playing videogames, each one in our own bed, that until I felt sleepy and turned the light off. I had an early day so this was for the best. The place felt strange, I felt out of context and lonely, not that it was something new. I turned from one side to another until I fell asleep and had the same nightmare, this time feeling even more real. The fright was real so when I saw a beast coming closer to grab me I yelled from the top of my lungs and woke up when something grabbed my shoulder. I opened my eyes confused and saw a worried Marco shaking me hard.

"Jean, wake up" I was covered in cold sweat and I looked around again to make sure it was there. "Are you alright?" Of course I wasn't fucking alright but he seemed good willed so I didn't say anything but gulped dryly. "You were screaming..." He was almost apologetic and I got up, with the intention of drinking some water. When I came back I was still shaken and Marco was in his bed, wide awake.

"Sorry" I muttered and snuggled in between sheets.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No" I checked the phone. 4. A.M. "Fuck, man, I don't want to mess your sleeping schedule too" I whispered and he shook his head.

"Don't worry about this, Jean" A flash came again once I closed my eyes for a second. Marco, dead on the ground, half of his skull missing, his clothes filled with blood. Shit, I was going crazy. "I have nightmares too, all the time" I turned to look at him and he smiled encouraging.

"And what do you do about it?"

"I don't know, nothing much, really" I gulped again. "We should go to sleep" I nodded but neither of us closed our eyes, we kept staring at each other and I found it soothing. He looked a lot different without his glasses, his face very handsome. He had a jawline for the days and his nose was cutely freckled, a long curl falling on it as he was sitting on his left side. He breathed silently and almost calculated and his eyes seemed filled with strange emotions. I wondered how it would be to break inside his skull and see all he was hiding but I chased the thought away and finally closed my eyes.


	2. Deux

I smelled the maple syrup before dropping it on the waffles and just then Reiner and Berthold entered the room, stretching and yawning.

"That smells good, Marco" Reiner shouted and I just knew I had to make extras for them now. They were looking ravaged, just like expected because I was sure they had sex the previous night; I was certain I heard something and they took the remaints of my boiling water to use it for coffee. I really couldn't understand why people drank that gross thing but didn't say a word, sipping from my green tea while looking at both of them. They were looking at each other like dummies and that made me chuckle because they were impossible. "What's so funny?" Bert got red when I shrugged my shoulders and I offered them plates with my cooking, receiving their thank yous.

I had no money to go home this weekend so I was stuck there, with the nerds on my side. Jean was still sleeping when I got out so I was surprised to get inside the bedroom quietly and find him in sweatpants, a blanket on his head and shoulders while he was fiddling with a pencil and staring at an opened book. By the brown cover it was a history book and when he heard my steps he turned around with a sober face that put all his problems on my shoulders. In the two weeks I got to live with him I learned that Jean Kirschtein had a resting bitch-face, he was sour most of the times and scowling was his second nature. And now he was proving all three statements so I went closer and placed the pile of waffles in front of him.

"Good morning" I smiled brightly and he huffed, taking a piece like a cave-man and chewing on it slowly.

"No" He muttered and I chuckled, earning a deeper scowl. "Aren't you a morning freckled fairy or some shit?" He continued sarcastic with his mouth full and pulled his blanket up as it slipped down his back. I chuckled again and sat down to see I was right about history - he was staring at the cold war and both pages were covered in doodles, of course he wasn't getting anything if he was paying 0 attention during the course. "What I'mma do? I don't get shit" He whined. The fourth thing about Jean was that he was always complaining.

"I can help you study, I've gone through these courses a few times" I said and rubbed his shoulder friendly before going towards the kitchen to make him some coffee like a good roommate that I was. In the mornings when we were starting college at the same hour the routine was the same: I woke up half an hour earlier, took a shower and changed, woke him up (which was a really hard task) and while he was blindly trying to figure his clothes out I was making breakfast, tea and coffee. Sweet coffee with lots of milk which was on contrary with his personality. Why was I making breakfast? Because I was the "freckled morning fairy" and he would burn the whole place if I would let him near the oven or the microwave and we would either starve to death or die of intoxication.

"Marco" he moaned in pain as I was entering the room again. I rose a brow. "I am tired of being an adult"

"I think it's tiring to be a drama queen" I teased and a pillow hit me and I had to leave the coffee aside.

"You don't understand my pain" He yelled and then crawled back to his bed where he rested on a side. He was overly-dramatic because he was not fully awaken yet and somehow I found it amusing and cute. His hair was a mess and once again I thought what a weird color it had as he curled further and let out a sigh. I went closer with the cup in my hand and offered it to him. "Thanks" He pouted. "Can we make a fort?"

"Huh?" I rose my eyebrows and he turned around, taking a big gulp from the hot drink.

"A fort made of blankets" He added with big hazel eyes and I sighed.

"You have to study, Jean" I added. I dragged him up and towards the desk where the book still was. After he finished his kindergarten moment we've gone through a good 5 hours learning session in which I made him understand enough so he could pass the semester. His mood was improving whenever he was answering the quiz questions right and after we were done with the WWII we made another round of tea/coffee and were now sitting in the kitchen, enjoying the silence because the lovers were in their bedroom.

"You're coming to the party tonight, right?" I looked at him weirdly and he widened his eyes. "Come on, man, it's a classical college party and my friends will be there" He was rarely talking about friends so I was curious but also I was not a fan of crazy parties so I didn't know what to say and I settled on chewing my bottom lip. "Reiner and Bert need to come too" He said hyped and I realized he didn't observe the look on my face which made me weirdly smile and accept. He was truly like a tornado and I could see he was sad most times so I accepted. In the first day he moved in he offered me his favorite albums and I couldn't surpass the fact that almost all the songs were very very sad. I was wondering what made him this way, if he had a reason and I wanted to change the look in his eyes.

I finally accepted and was dragged across the city along Reiner and Bert who were making out in the metro while I was staring weirdly at the doors. People were looking at us because not every day you could see a bulky blonde making out with a very tall and thin man and Jean was playing a game on his phone while sucking on a red lollipop and cursing from time to time. We sure were something else. I got my phone out and texted mom to say goodnight to all of them and then turned to watch my companions again, leaning to see what game it was, brushing my shoulder against his. Mario. He was smelling of strawberries because of the loli and I saw he changed his septum ring with a smaller one that was probably made of silver and was looking good on his pale skin. He had dark circles under his eyes but he was looking okay, not necessarily tired and his high cheekbones were visible, making his face looking like a model's. I, who had a darker skin tone and freckles all over, with brown - almost black - eyes that were nothing special, felt a little weird in the presence of someone who looked like the typical American boy that you could find in every magazine. The place was booming with loud music and in that moment I was thankful that our dorm wasn't that loud and it allowed us to study and sleep at times. We got inside and it was filled with smoke, so much that it made me choke and brought tears to my eyes and soon a tall girl with a ponytail approached us and jumped on Jean, almost making him fall.

"Jeanbooooo!" She yelled and turned to us. "Are these your mates?" Jean said something I couldn't figure out and then pointed to me so both her and a guy that appeared from behind came closer to stare at me.

"He looks like a porn neighbour" The little man said and everyone burst into laughter, along with me and I felt my skin heating. "Connie, nice to meet you" His head was shining as he was bald and I had to ask what did he mean by a porn neighbour. "The nice guy that comes to broach your sink when you are home-alone" He winked and I burst into laughter because it was crazy. The girl was names Sasha and he was hyper and almost always eating. Then there were Armin, Eren and Mikasa who were always together and it seemed Jean couldn't stand Eren and they were yelling at each other which made me uncomfortable. Reiner and Berthold got along with all of them, I did too but I wasn't feeling comfortable enough to really talk so I was only listening to their stories, they seemed nice and they got happier with every shot of tequila. I wasn't usually drinking but it seemed Jean was the total opposite and after the tenth shot he unwrapped another red lolipop that he put inside his mouth and sucked on. His eyes were hazy and he came closer to say something to me.

"Isn't Mikasa hot as hell?" I nodded, watching the Asian beauty that was holding Eren's arm protectively.

"You're reeking of alcohol, maybe you should take it easier" I added.

"Chill, man" He answered and got ready to leave. "Here" he got the lolipop out of his mouth and shove it in my opened mouth before leaving me behind and heading to dance with some random girl. I was shocked for a moment because he was so brave in actions and I could still taste something different beside strawberries on that candy. She was very interested in him and soon they were making out, almost having sex on the dance floor and I went to the bathroom because I wasn't feeling well. I was glad he was feeling better now but I didn't want him to be happy only because of alcohol and sexual acts, this was not real happiness. I washed my face and went back in where I sat on the couch and looked around me feeling weird because I was alone and I had no idea what to do, it was clear I was not made for parties. A redhead girl came to me and we began to talk - her name was Madison and she was an art student, like most people there. She was nice and out-going and at one point she said I was cute and tried to kiss me but I stopped her, getting up and going towards Jean who had his hand under that girl's shirt, grabbing her boob.

"I'm leaving" I said and he stopped, pushing the girl away slightly and turning to look at me, lips swollen.

"Why?"

"I am tired" He let go and frowned.

"You're not having fun" Fun was slightly different for me so I didn't answer and he let go of the girl. "I'll come with you" The girl looked at me like I just murdered her cat but I ignored her, going to take our jackets before getting out of there and calling a cab. I couldn't wait to get home because I was feeling shallow and dirty. We were silent all the way home and inside the room Jean fell on his bed, beginning to snore the next moment but I couldn't do so, so instead I took all the blankets I had and made a fort, putting pillows so I could sleep in it. He was right, it felt like I was a child again and I fell asleep sooner there, dreaming weird things that made me wake up with a soar and dry throat. I got startled when I opened my eyes and saw Jean was right beside me, in the clothes he wore the night before, softly snoring with an arm under his head. He looked peacefully and I got out of there, needing to pee. When I crawled back he was rubbing his eyes and yawned. "My head hurts"

"Tequila" I explained and he chuckled, curling further. "How did you get here?"

"I don't know" He murmured and looked around. It was a well-built fort. "Can we keep it?" I smiled and nodded at his innocent expression. "How stupid was I last night from a scale to 1 to 10?"

"You're I-almost-had-sex-on-the-dance-floor-bad on that scale" He sighed and rolled on his front, peeking at me with an eye.

"Sorry" He got up and stretched. "Well, at least I didn't kick Jaeger again" I don't know what was going on between them but it was hilarious and I followed him as he undressed to boxers and announced me he was heading for a shower. He probably had a bad hangover so I went to buy some cranberries juice and some lemons and gave the mix to him, seeing him gulp it to the last drop and thanking me. He was looking all innocent now, that his head was banging, very different from the Casanova I saw the night before. "I'mma take the juice to the fort now" He said and grabbed the box of juice, crawling inside as I knelt to look at him: he looked like a toddler and he saw I was staring because he made me a sign to join him. "Come in" I had essays and things to study but I decided I should get in and I did, hearing the front door - the lovers finally came home after they had sex God-knows-where. I sat on the pillows facing him and curled myself too and we stood in silence for a while.

He had a serene expression, his eyes clear and his mouth was forming a thin line but not a dissatisfied one, a face-resting one. He had dimples when he was smiling and they were looking good on him so it was a shame they weren't there now. We were getting along well, in fact he was the best roommate I had so far, we were never getting on each other's nerves, in fact we came to be friends in a very short time and as I didn't have many, I was valuing his presence and opinions. I wasn't feeling uncomfortable that we weren't talking and he wasn't either, in fact he yawned before he decided to speak.

"If I'm gonna die you can take my The Smiths collection, 'kay?" I rolled my eyes but that was big for him because they were his favorite band. He made me listen all their records and the sound was good but the lyrics were very sad so it wasn't my piece of cake. "Play Asleep at my funeral"

"You're not dying, you're just having a hangover" I muttered and he chuckled.

"You little optimistic shit" I burst into laughter at that and he continued. "Can't believe you're not the heart of the party" He continued and I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't like parties either and I don't like clingy girls" The blonde last night seemed clingy enough to me.

"That's why you like Mikasa? Cause she doesn't give you any attention?" He blushed faintly and offered me a dirty look. "I was just kidding"

"Shuddup" he mumbled. "Why weren't you all over that redhead?" He asked and it was my time to feel nervous because this subject was one I preferred not to talk about because people usually made fun of me. "She seemed cute" I didn't know he saw her.

"I don't like to fool around" He nodded and I gulped. "I uhmm... I have never kissed someone before" I said and he widened his eyes.

"Why?"

"I didn't find someone right" I said, sounding very girly and to my surprise he didn't laugh or commented, he simply nodded as if he understood which was weird because he seemed the type to make fun of guys like me. Maybe I was thinking too low of him at times. "Do you have any siblings?"

"A bigger half-sister. When I was 5 my parents divorced and dad remarried" He explained easily, like he was talking about a walk in the park and I gulped, feeling slightly uncomfortable. It must have been very hard for a 5 years old to lose his family and dad. "Do you?" My mind flew to my younger brother, , who was left in tears when I started college. He was 8 and we were very close and it broke my heart to let him home with my father who was sometimes impossible. Mom was sweet and caring but dad was something else and he was too demanding when it came to his children.

"Yes, Alessandro, he is eight now, in middle school" He was going to the same catholic school I went to. "I care about him a lot, that's why I go home almost every weekend"

"I don't want to go anywhere in weekends. My bigger sister lives alone with her boyfriend, dad's wife is annoying and mom is always busy" He blinked at me and I got nervous because I didn't know what to say to that, it seemed very complicated. It seemed like he had lots of people surrounding him but no one really cared. "My dad's also the biggest asshole ever, the typical business man"

"My dad's a priest" I said automatically and he got up, staring at me with wide eyes. "Come on, it's not a big deal" I muttered and he chuckled, taking me by surprise.

"No, there's a song, one of my favorites and I just realized it's perfect for you" He said and got out, hurrying towards his CD's, picking a single out and running back, holding a little CD-player, one of those that weren't used anymore. "I like to listen to CD's" He explained and offered me a earphone, sitting beside me and coming a little closer so I could feel his orange-flavoured shampoo as he played the record. It was an old song and when the lyrics began and he started to sing along I burst into laughter because it was making me feel weird. He knew the lyrics by heart and I listened to his calm voice, enjoying the sound of it. He listened to rock but he also liked classic music it seemed, the last one was matching my style better. "So are you very religious or something?" He seemed worried.

"Not really, no" I said and he took a big breath.

"Thank God cause I already know I'm going to hell" He said and tugged on his septum. "So what did you do religious in this life?" The first thing that came to my mind was:

"I went to Bible camp" He began to laugh so hard that he got red and then got up, like he was not believing. "It's a summer camp in which you do every usual thing beside saying prayers and stuff" I explained and he grinned, from ear to ear.

"I can't believe you, now you turned from Freckled Fairy to Freckled Jesus" I opened my arms widely.

"Come to the light and truth, son!" I said solemnly, making him chuckle again. We spent the rest of the day talking about everything and nothing and I found out all sorts of things about him: like he was teased about his hair in middle school and that was the reason he was passive-aggressive when people talked about it, his favorite color was green because it reminded him of fresh grass, he once made a project for school and he photographed every single tree in a near forest - that's what got him into photography. He liked to draw but considered he wasn't talented, he had a stuffed rabbit named Mr. Snugglebottle that he still kept with him and he had no best friend. He considered he had no real friends, in fact, he thought he was socially awkward and he never had a real conversation with anyone in his "gang". I was not far behind him, I couldn't say I had any close friends beside Bert and Reiner and they were always busy with each other so it was hard to say I could talk with someone whenever I could. He was surprised to find out about my family trips and how strict was my father when it came to God, which made me a little reluctant with my beliefs. I had few friends in middle school because of my freckles and because of the glasses but high school went smoother, I had one best friends I wasn't willing to talk about.

"You look okay without glasses too, are your eyes very bad?" I knew it was weird but I enjoyed hiding behind thick glasses. I shook my head. I was thinking about contacts but it wasn't top priority so I wasn't hurrying to do so. He came closer so we were at the same level when he smiled. It was heart-warming smile, very rare when it came to him, probably the first I've seen since we met and I felt privileged for seeing this side of him. I don't know why but his smile made me happy.


	3. Trois

Oh my fucking God, I was going to starve to death. I began to search in the fridge but as expected there was nothing there, no cereal on the counter, nothing. I opened a drawer and found a pack of strawberry mini croissants and felt my stomach grumble. Angel of my life. I unwrapped the croissants with trembling fingers and took a huge bite of the puffy thing, taking the rest to the bedroom where my laptop was on my bed. The fort was still on but it was looking deplorably, not that I was going to do anything about it, instead I jumped on the bed and played the series I was watching, continuing to eat until all the sweets were gone. I was home alone, Reiner and Berthold were out for a romantic date and Marco went back home so I surfed the internet all day long because I had 0 money until next Tuesday when the salary came and I couldn't get out of the house. I also had 0 food, well, there were two or three apples I was keeping for tomorrow but that was all. It lasted a few more hours until I heard the door and a few more minutes to realise something really wrong was going on.

"Reiner!" That was a moan. A fucking moan so I paused the YouTube video I was watching and heard the next few groans. Fuck. Shit. They were fucking in the hall. "Harder!" How the fuck did they undress so fast? I shook my head, not wanting to think about the details and after a few more moans I picked up my phone, desperate to call someone. Who the fuck could I call? Until I found "Freckles" in my agenda they moved to the bedroom and unfortunately our bedroom had real thin walls which meant I could hear every-fucking-thing. At least there wasn't a mystery who was the top and who the bottom anymore. I pressed the green button and waited until he answered and I whispered his name like I was a ghost.

"What happened, are you ok?" he asked, genuinely worried by his voice and I yelped, hearing how the bed was moving in the other room. "Jean, you're worrying me"

"Shut up, I will put the phone on speaker" I whispered and just then Reiner shoot a "so good, baby" that made me yelp in pain.

"Are they doing... it?"

"They probably came back drunk from a party and forgot I was home" I whispered and he chuckled, making me groan in frustration. "It's not funny, I am stuck here"

"Come on, how much do you think they can last if they are drunk?" I don't know but Reiner sounded like he could keep up a lot. "I will wait with you if you want" Now, that he put it this way I was feeling weird. I didn't particularly had any close friend, in fact, I never considered anyone a good friend but somehow, Marco, with his puppy eyes and with his kind manner of talking managed to sneak inside my head and to make me trust him. After an entire month of living with him I felt terribly lonely when he left for home but it was not his fault nobody in my family cared for me and I had nowhere to go, while he did. I began to chew on another pop tart, spreading crumbles all over. "What are you eating?"

"Mini-croissants I found in the kitchen"

"Those were mine" I groaned and I think Reiner and Berthold reached their orgasms because they suddenly went quiet. I returned my attention to the phone, where Marco was expecting me to talk and I processed what he just said.

"Sorry, I'mma buy you some when I get paid" I said biting another one and he hummed in agreement. "When are you coming tomorrow?"

"At 6, why?" I shrugged and then realized I was a dumbass and he couldn't see me. I wasn't going to say I was lonely or bored without him because that was cheesy and girly so I left it like that and soon he hung up, leaving me all alone. I put some music and my earphones in and spent some more hours like that, my thoughts running everywhere. It was super lame of me that I was feeling like a dog waiting for it's master and it made me angry that he turned me this way so I groaned into my pillow before putting my favorite album by the Smiths on and trying to fall asleep. The next day I woke up with a dry mouth so I went to fill myself a cup of water that I took to our bedroom where I took the last Deadpool magazine and began to read from it, rolling all over the bed and trying to calm my gurgling belly. I don't know how the day passed but at one point I went to the bathroom and when I came back I found Marco, with his jacket on, dropping a big bag on his side of room.

"Hi" I said and rubbed my head and he smiled, waving at me friendly.

"Dress, we're going out to eat" he said and I widened my eyes. I didn't say anything else, I simply picked my jeans and a clean shirt and got ready, checking the hair in the small mirror we had on a dresser's door. We went to a close bistro, just around the corner and sat at a small table by the window, the glass showing us the rain outside. It was a terrible day, dark and clouded but somehow it was perfect for a coffee inside that place. The walls were covered in drawings but I couldn't reach them with my sight, probably because I needed glasses or something.

"Is this to apologize that you traumatized me yesterday?" I asked and he burst into laughter, making me stare further at his many freckles. Today it seemed they were more.

"I didn't do anything, it's all their fault" he said grinning and the waiter came so he ordered tea and something to eat, leaving me to order my share. "Anyway, how was your weekend?" I shrugged and told him it was nothing much before asking him about his. "It was okay, I played cards a lot with my brother but I don't think I will go home next weekend" I nodded, feeling happy but not showing it. "You're moody"

"The weather" I muttered impassive, biting from a slice of my pizza while looking at it. Holy pizza, melting my insides.

"You're like that grumpy cat on the internet" He chuckled and I rolled my eyes.

"Fuck off"

"Nope" I raised a brow and he burst into a fit of laughter, making me smile at his crisis - it was obvious he was tired but it was still amusing. "I think I know what I will get you for Christmas"

"Don't you dare, Freckles!" I half-shouted, making him laugh harder and then suddenly widen his eyes.

"How did you call me?"

"Freckles" I replied. "You know, those little things on your face" he wrinkled his face, telling me with his eyes "no-shit-Sherlock"

"I needed you to reveal this to me" he said sarcastic and I chuckled. "And they're not only my face" He said showing me his hands that were also covered with tiny brown spots on the back of them. He had them on his torso too because I have seen them whenever he got out of the shower and he came to look for clothes in our room. "Too many"

"I like them" I blurted and had to look away because I was feeling very very uncomfortable with what I just said. When I returned my eyes to him I have seen his cheeks were a little more colored than usual but I couldn't evade again. "They're your thing"

"My thing?" he repeated and I nodded smirking. "Like bad attitude is your thing?" We both burst into laughter and I had to roll my eyes. I was feeling like if I kept rolling them they would end in the back of my skull.

"You little shit" I muttered and took a bite of his pizza. "Who the fuck eats pizza with corn on?" He pointed to himself and I groaned because he was frustrating.

"Who eats pizza with all types of meat?" He asked sarcastic and I pointed to myself. "Dork" I don't know why but when he said that I remembered I had an essay to write at history for tomorrow and I've asked him if he could help me with it. Of course he could.

"Then let's watch Fight club" I added.

"What does that have to do with history?"

"Nothing, it's my favorite movie" I said and wrinkled my face at some horrifying memories of my sister forcing me to watch The Notebook and her bawling all over it. "Have you seen it?" He shook his head. "Perfect, and I also have a new album I want you to listen to"

"You act like I'm your disciple or something" he muttered while sipping on his iced-tea. It was not that, I wasn't feeling necessarily the need to show him things, I just wanted him to share the experiences I have been through, to know me better, as lame as that would sound. I've never had such a close friend so maybe that's why I was acting this weird.

"Sorry, it's okay if you don't want to" I said slightly ashamed, pushing the crusts of my pizza in the centre of my plate with my fork. "I don't know shit about this friendship bullshit" I added and looked to see he had an amused but kind look on. His brows were arched in curiosity and his smile was wide, like he was asking me to explain further. "I can't remember the last time I've had a good friend"

"You're already my best friend" he smiled and I felt my heart skipping a beat - how could a guy say something like that so easily? I stared at him, my face heated and he grinned, nodding to confirm. I wasn't exactly best friend material, especially near his Jesus attitude. I couldn't understand how he could put up with me. I nodded shortly, too nervous to reply and felt my hands getting all sweaty under the pressure. "So what about this album?"

"Shit" I looked beside me incredulous, wondering if my ears betrayed me. I was too young to hear things, wasn't I? I looked at the desk to see Marco angrily staring at the screen of his laptop, the documents obviously giving him a hard time ever since we started, two hours ago. I felt sorry for the kid so I had to ask.

"Is there anything I could do to help?" He turned around on his chair and raised a brow. Well, no wonder I was offering to help, after all it was the first time I heard him saying such a bad word. He pushed his glasses further on his nose and studied me - I was reading about mechanics, not that I got anything. His hands fell on his lap.

"You know anything about Paroxysmal Oscillopsia?"

"Oh, yeah" I smirked. "I pretty much wrote the book on Pear... Oxygen Clear... Osmosis Jonathan" I continued smugly and in one second he burst into a loud laughter, making me grin like an idiot. The stress washed off his face for a few seconds, before the miserable expression came back and he turned his eyes to the document he was previously reading. He was having it hard because of the upcoming exam session and I was worried so I stretched my back and got up to go to the fridge and bring back two cans of soda, placing one on the desk, next to his laptop. I bent to see what he was staring out and it was some weird scheme I couldn't figure out, well, I was the dumb one between the two of us. "You should take a break, mate" I said and he looked at me weirdly, squinting his eyes but taking the can and opening it.

"I don't like fizzy drinks" he muttered and I sighed; someone was pretentious as fuck.

"Let's play Legend of Zelda" I said like the devil on his shoulder and he shook his head, radiating good intention. My phone was annoyingly buzzing on the floor but I ignored it, knowing who it was and instead I poked his shoulder. "Come on, Freckles" I said and I saw he could barely keep his smile so I grinned, poking harder. "To clear your mind"

"The little break we took yesterday lasted four hours"

"Come on, I think we can do better" I said and he sighed, probably thinking I was unbelievably annoying. "I think we can last five hours today"

"Jean!" I burst into laughter and he chuckled before turning around and staring at the floor. He pointed with his index. "You better pick up, someone is desperate" I rolled my eyes, mood gone and sipped from my can. "Who is it?" Shoulders shrugged. "Who is it, Jean?" It was a girl that was bugging me because I went second base with her at some random party and I was suspecting she got my number from Jaeger so I was going to kill the damn fucker. Marco got up and went to pick my phone, gasping when he unlocked it (my password was really easy) and saw what was on the screen. "I don't think she would send the pics of her boobs to just anyone" He mumbled and I enjoyed the red skin on his face and neck. His uncomfortable expression was rather cute.

"Just some chick" I said. "She insists on meeting me but I don't want to"

"Why?"

"I don't know, I don't feel like it" Sure, it was the dream come true to have a girl wanting to fuck and do whatever I wanted but there was one thing I couldn't let anyone know: Jean Kirschtein, the so-called troublemaker and heartbreaker was a virgin and wasn't about to change that anytime soon because he was feeling awkward about it. I mean, I wanted to meet someone who I could trust and whom I know wouldn't laugh about this or tell me I am not good at it or whatever. He looked surprised, as expected and stared at the screen again. "What did she say?"

"We could get to know each other better if you want" He said on a seductive voice and I burst into laughter at his atempt, making him laugh too. "Can I text her back?" Sure, if he wanted to, why not? I went closer and the little shit wrote: "Sure, babe, what do you wanna know?" I didn't know he got it in him so I gasped.

"Fucking shit" I muttered and she replied with a winky face. "Everything, hun" was the reply at which Marco typed. "You need to deserve knowing me, babe"

"Oh my God, I am good at this"

"Like fuck you are, that doesn't sounds like me at all" He wrinkled his face, laughing his ass off.

"Yes you do"

"I fucking don't" I said half angry half amused. He was having a blast so I lt him be, chuckling from time to time and we concluded that she wasn't worth it. We lost an hour like that and then we got messaged that there was a pajama party at Sasha's. So the next hour of my life was spent making him accept the idea, that until he heard the pajama part and he hurried to get the top of it. I never realized he wore actual pajama pants so I burst into laughter when I saw the top and just had to educate him. "Dude, don't" His brown eyes widened and he actually pouted.

"What's wrong with my pjs?" He was looking like a 5-year old and I don't know why but I felt bad to see him like that and to know it is my fault. "I like them"

"Not in public, buddy" I said on a softer voice and he nodded, picking something else from his closet. We went to the dorm where they were staying and I was surprised there were so many people, it was the whole "squad" and they were all enthusiastic seeing Marco which was pretty funny because I was their older friend, I guess they never liked me all that much. We played some video-games, drank some wine and I don't know why but my mood dropped considerably so at midnight I announced I was going out for a little walk. No one reacted, but Marco that peeked his head from the game of cards. He said nothing so I put my shoes on and got out with only a coat on top of my pajamas. I couldn't help but feel left out whenever I was in such a group and the fact that Marco, who was new, was already integrated and I wasn't was bringing me down. Fuck, I hated life so far. No one liked me, maybe it was something wrong with me. I sat on the stairs that had snow on - it began snowing, it seems, and I lit a cigarette, enjoying the silence. I was feeling the need to listen some music but I couldn't. Maybe that's why I felt connected to Morrissey - because we were both lonely and nobody liked us. I was at my sixth cigarette when someone sat next to me and I jumped startled because I was deep in thought.

I turned around to see Marco that immediately put my red beanie on my head, fixing it with both hands. He had his coat on and was looking very cold. Dumbass. Don't come here and be cold just because you're a freckled fairy.

"You should quit that" He pointed at my cigarette and I grinned, keeping on with the smoking. "What happened? You were fine when we left home"

"Home is a big word for a dorm room" I said and saw the hurt look on his face so I got up, ready to go in for his sake. "It has nothing to do with you" I muttered and he grasped my sleeve, pulling me downwards, making me almost fall over.

"You can tell me" His eyes were big and curious and he put a strand of hair behind his ear, making me gulp. I knew I could but I would have felt lame if I did so I mumbled a whatever and got back inside where they were playing beer pong. I went to the kitchen and I would be damned if that wasn't Jaeger who was drinking milk. We've been friends in middle school but things have fallen apart ever since he turned out to be an asshole and everyone stood on his side and not on mine. He came closer and closed the door, making me suspicious.

"Marco's a good kid" I rolled my eyes. No shit, no one could see that, for sure. "Don't corrupt him, 'kay?" That's the last thing I needed now.

"Fuck off, Jaeger, no one asked for your opinion. Marco's a big boy, he can choose his friends for himself" I was trying very hard not to spit him in the face and when he continued I wanted to crack his head open because a douche like him couldn't tell what I could and couldn't do. Fuck him.

"I know how you looked at guys during gym, don't try anything with him" I was seeing red. Was this guy suggesting I was interested in men? Oh my fucking God, I was livid with anger when my fist made contact with his ugly face and his head hit the counter, blood running from his nose. I looked shocked at the image but in the heat of the moment I was not sorry, I was proud to see him like that.

"Mind your bussiness, asshole" I said and got out, picking my coat and things and leaving without saying that to anyone. My phone began to ring and I hung up when I saw it was Marco, wandering mindlessly on the streets, looking around confused, like I was just born and I didn't know anything. I got inside a non-stop and bought another pack of cigarettes and a Lion and spent the rest few hours in a park, my phone turned off. I was feeling sick, physically sick because I had a shitty feeling and then someone picked on me randomly and it all went back to high school and bullies. At least now I could protect myself which was funny because I didn't know how I got in this position. I got home at five when I couldn't stand the cold anymore and found the light on in our room and Marco sitting on his bed, his back against the wall.

"Where were you?" He asked and got up, looking me straight in the face. I didn't need this so I simply stared back. "Jean, I was worried sick"

"You should have remained at the party" I said and saw his eyes were glistening, he was cracking under pressure and it was because I was an asshole.

"Don't fucking cry" I said and my voice broke. "Come on, Marco, spare me" He ran his fingers under his eyes, probably wiping his tears off and nodded, making a weird sound with his nose. I went closer and sighed, not knowing what to do.

"I'm sorry" he said and smiled, tears still pooling. "I am a crybaby"

"It's okay, it's my fault" I was feeling uncomfortable just looking at him so I pulled him in an awkward hug, surprised when he grasped the back of my shirt, holding tight on me. He probably was really worried, he was left, after all, with the mess I made. His body was trembling slightly and I felt my pulse increasing at his touch so I buried my face in his shoulder, enjoying his fresh smell. He was smelling of green lemon and maybe apple too. He was taller so it was easier for me to reach his shoulder than it was for him to reach mine. "I had a long walk" I said and he nodded, getting up to smile at me.

"What happened with Eren?" I tensed.

"Don't wanna talk about it" I whispered and began undressing my pants, remaining only in boxers and getting between the covers. I looked over to see he was wearing his pajamas - top and pants, both with little pandas patern. He had the air of a little kid and the clothing inspired... cuddles so I turned to face him. "Your pajamas are fine" I said and he smiled slightly, from his side of room.

"Will you tell me tomorrow?" I sighed. "Everything?" Damn, why was I so sensible when it came to him?

"Fine" My tone was petulant.

"I'll hold you to that"


	4. Quatre

"Could you please stop being a grump and help me with the decoration?" I sighed as Jean was pouting furiously in a corner, typing at his laptop. He's got a bad score in the last photography class because they didn't understand his concept and now he was sulking ever since this morning. On top of that, his family called and he had a monstrous fight with his father, I didn't eavesdrop but Jean was kind of... explicit; hard to ignore. It was clear his family was complicated and I couldn't help him with that or say anything so I shut my mouth and let him be for a little while. Jean didn't want to go home for the holidays, that was probably the main problem. In the last couple of months I found out his family was far from traditional, he was an illegitimate child and everyone hated him in his father's household while his mother couldn't stand him because he was reminding her of his father. He told me that the day after that pajama party and I was truly surprised because my family wasn't perfect either but it was nothing close to his.

"No" he mumbled and put headphones on, ignoring me and my decorating ass. It was almost Christmas so I made some investments and bought Christmas lights and placed all over the walls, trying to make the place "merry". I sighed and took the chair so I could reach the higher place, sticking the little light bulbs with scotch. I even bought a little tree I put next to the writing desk so we could feel a little like home. I was worried about Jean's holidays, to be fair, I was worried he was going to stay around and sulk in loneliness. After I finished I went to the kitchen where I made some mint tea and dialed my mother's number. I wasn't sure about all this but I was going to try out anyway.

"Hi, Marco!" mom squeaked happily and I burst into laughter because she was cute. "How are you, baby?" She was a loving mother so I told her all about my day and after I found out the little things that happened at home I coughed, trying to wet my dry throat.

"Mom, you know Jean, right?" She gasped.

"Your roommate, isn't it?"

"Yes, he's also my best friend and... he's having a hard time at home" I said and I could see her chewing her bottom lip, an annoying hobby I also had.

"Poor child, why doesn't he come over at our place, then?" I smiled because that was a whole intention and after some more chit-chat I hung up and took the two cup of tea, going to the bedroom and almost running through the hall because Bert and Reiner were having sex again. I was wondering if everyone was as sexually active as they were, I couldn't imagine Sasha and Connie doing it or whatever. In fact, I wasn't sure they were together, though Connie was pretty much into her. When I got back he was still pouting, a big frown on his whole face and for a moment I wanted to laugh because he was somehow adorable in all that grumpiness. I went and offered him the cup and he looked at me furrowing his brows and getting his earbuds out.

"Tea, no sugar" He didn't have a sweet tooth like I was. He nodded and sipped from his and I saw by his side with my orange mug in my hand, staring to see what he was looking at. He was on a tattoo online site so I arched my brows, surprised. "I'm getting a tattoo" He was the tattoo type, he had piercings, a septum and I could see him with tattoos too but why so sudden? He grabbed his sketch book that was by his side and opened it at a page where there was a bee drawn. "This. On my arm" he pointed at his inner arm, under his elbow.

"It looks good, you're really talented" I saw some of his sketches before and they were all really good. I was truly amazed by his talent and having a tattoo drawn by him was a smart thing, no one could copy it. "But why now?"

"Cause I have to spend my holiday money on something" he said annoyed and sipped on his tea. "Wanna come with me when I have it done?"

"S-sure" I've never been to a tattoo parlour before and the one that we visited looked not that scary. I was expecting something near horror movies, with buckets of blood and tall men with masks and big needless but it was nothing like it. The one tattooing was a woman, covered in tattoos but very nice, purple hair and thick glasses that were much like mine. She was impressed by Jean's art too and it was done real fast, probably because Jean didn't complain too much. He was wincing from time to time but stood nicely in his place and talking to me like we were having a coffee.

"You have to keep it clean and cream it every two hours" He nodded and bought the thing.

"It looks good" he said satisfied but still didn't smile. He was pale and annoyed ever since that call so I had to invite him to have dinner in town.

"Let's have pizza" I suggested and he nodded so we went to the closest Pizza Hut where we ordered our favorites and waited patiently for our order. He wasn't talking much so I kept him animated with my stories about courses and my mates and what happened after he left the party. When the food came I stopped and he smiled faintly.

"Thank you" he murmured and looked in his plate so I hummed surprised. "I know you try to cheer me. Fuck, I'm not the jolliest person" He breathed and I smiled widely. "I don't know why you stood all day with me" Maybe it was because I cared about him enough to want to see him smile. "Sorry"

"Don't apologize, it's not your fault" He furrowed, playing with the straw from his juice bottle and I shrugged, wondering what should I say. "You can't be happy all the time"

"You are, though" he said sarcastic and I chuckled, making him grin. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I am just very optimistic" I pursed my lips and he chuckled again, taking the first slice of his pizza.

"You're Freckled Jesus, all kindness and shit" I burst into laughter at that because he was pushing it to extreme. If dad would have heard that he would probably have sent him to penitence or something. Probably that's why I was worried about him going to my place. Also, it must've been because I wasn't staying in a very stylish and big city. I was from a small town, where dad was a priest and where we were living in a small house, no luxury at all. Somehow I was nervous he was going to think little of me. "When're you leaving for Holidays?" We were almost in break. I looked to see his long eyelashes trembling nervous as he blinked.

"Next week" I took a big breath. "Look, Jean, you can come to my place if you want to, I've already talked to mom so..." I let the sentence fall because I wasn't sure how he was going to take it. His hazel eyes widened and he stared at me like I was mad.

"What?" He changed his place on his seat. "I can't do that" he said in a small voice and I smiled encouraging.

"Yes you can, Jean, I am not letting you alone during holidays" I repeated and he sighed, still not convinced. "Please! It will be fun, like you're on a trip" I added and he chuckled, his eyes finally lighting. I knew I won just then so we continued our dinner on other subjects, slowly but surely making him feel better and getting him smile. He had a beautiful smile once he lost his jerky attitude and I was feeling privileged that I was the only one who knew him this way. I was honestly surprised that he was such a lonesome guy because he was agreeable and he could be very nice and caring but I guess not everybody could see the good in him. He was funny and smart and not even his potty mouth could make him a bad person.

We went home after midnight and the next few days were spent lazily, we were just having our paper done by each other, in complete silence or having small talks from time to time. It was a pleasant way to spend time, I sometimes sneaked a stare at him, enjoying his expressions and his face in general. I don't know what was going on because I was never so infatuated with a person before, it was strange. He was sometime catching my eyes and teasing me, making me shy and causing me to blush. I don't know what was going on but it was surely turning my insides out. I was feeling strange and wanted to talk with someone about it so one day I asked Armin if he would go out with me to help buying Christmas gifts. He was a nice guy and I knew I could confide in him. We were walking through a mall - buying books and mugs and other stuff when I asked him to sit down and have hot chocolate with me.

I bought Jean a Slytherin mug that was looking amazing and a red scarf that matched his beanie. My brother got a new computer game and my parents a couple of books each. I had money because I saved all year for this one. We sat in a nice cafe and after the waiter took our order I wanted to tell him all about it but didn't know how to say it so instead I started babbling all about how I spent my days and he nodded, being nice like always. He was the listener. I didn't get the problem was off my chest so when I left I was dissatisfied and feeling frustrated, which was a first. I was also a little worried he would tell Eren by mistake and things would end up badly. That night we went to sleep early and after a few rounds of shifting I fell asleep.

A loud gasp woken me up. There was someone crying, howling and I got up, scared, realizing when it was Jean's voice. I turned on the light on my side of room and got up, hurrying to his side where he was sweating and tossing and turning. I grabbed his shoulder gently, trying not to create more panic.

"Jean!" I called but no result. "Jean!" I tried again and he opened his eyes, getting up suddenly and scaring me. There were tears running down his cheeks and he looked at me with big eyes, ignoring the discomfort of crying. I didn't expect him to wrap his arms around me and pull me closer desperate so I widened my eyes shocked but returned the hug, feeling the front of his shirt on my chest, as it was wet with sweat. "It's okay"

"You... died" he mumbled and I furrowed my brows. He had horrible dreams, with giants eating humans, almost every night. "Don't you remember?" I sighed.

"It was not real, no one died" He pulled apart and watched me alarmed.

"Now I remember." He whispered. "I remember everything, don't you, Marco?" I watched him wondering if he was delusional. "We met when we were 12, don't you remember? You were coming from Jinae, your parents were eaten when the wall fell" I didn't understand anything he was saying so I stuttered when I tried to calm him down, only making him proceed. "Don't you remember? You told me you believed in me as a leader" I couldn't understand where he was getting those things and I truly believed he was still dreaming so I blinked at him, uncomfortable. "You don't believe me." he whispered lowly and I looked down, at his hands. "I should have protect you back then, you were my best friend" I gulped, unaware of what was my reaction supposed to be. "Your bed was above mine when we were training" I bit my lip, maybe he was just very stressed. And still? Why spill such stories?

"Go to sleep" I whispered and he laid back, a little disappointed, just in time for me to prepare to get up. His hand took held of my wrist.

"Stay here" I was worried but it was not a good idea to refuse him so I slowly slid down next to him, seeing as his honey eyes were watching my face agitated. "I can't believe I found you" he said and closed his eyes, getting closer so his breath was falling on my exposed neck. I don't know why but my body began to feel hot and it took me a while to fall asleep, unlike him who was already dreaming. I truly believed it was because he was so stressed, maybe it had something to do with his family too.

Something was irritating my eyes so I opened them, realizing it was the sun rays that were falling through the window. There was something wrapped around me and I took a big breath when I saw it was Jean's arm that was holding me close as his face was buried in my neck. My body was reacting weirdly and soon I felt a certain part getting hard and I closed my eyes, trying to think of something bad. Dead puppies. Not Jean who was clinging on me with all his might, not Jean whose hot breath was tickling my skin, not Jean's long lashes that were forming shadows on his pale cheeks, no. I got up as soon as I could and sprinted to the bathroom where I watched myself in the mirror. I was pathetic, I couldn't control myself when I was sleeping in bed with my best friend. No, this was not happening, I wasn't falling for Jean Kirschtein, not when he had crazy vision, not when he was my closest boy friend. I took a shower and as I was brushing my teeth the bathroom door opened and in came a sleepy Jean that watched me worried as soon as he spotted me.

"Mornin'" He said softly and then looked down, as if he was refraining from something.

"Good morning" I said and went inside the bedroom, letting him be. I was glad when he didn't bring up what happened the last night because it was already very nervous and I was preparing our coffee/tea I tried to keep it at the back of my mind, ignoring it. When he came inside the kitchen I felt a blush spreading on my face at the sight of him. He was beautiful.

"Don't forget the milk" he mumbled and I nodded, pouring the thing in. He seemed to avoid me and it was worrying because we were leaving today for my home. We were going to take the train so we prepared our luggage and then went to the train station where we looked for our wagon and put our things in place. I was worried about the trip, to be honest.

"My father will come to pick us up from the train station cause it's pretty far from home" he took his beanie off and sitting next to the window. We were alone so far.

"Okay" His phone lit up and he looked at the screen, somewhat displeased.

"Don't expect something big and please try not to swear in front of my family, okay?" He nodded, still distracted and got his headphones out. "Jean" I whined and he looked up, disorientated. "They will love you" I smiled and a smile tugged his lips too and offered me an earbud. He put some track I didn't know on and closed his eyes, tired from the previous night. I don't know when the hours passed, we played card and slowly he went back to normal, acting like last night never happened. When we arrived it was a snow storm and we had red cheeks when I saw dad coming with a small smile.

"Good evening" he said formal and we both shook his hands when Jean threw me a weird look. He also felt it we were all formal. "Did you have a good trip?"

"Amazing" Jean said sarcastic and we got in the backseat of the old black car. He let me do the work so I kept going about how studies were great and we were doing our best, we were getting along pretty well and I made some friends. He seemed alright with it but as I knew my father, he couldn't be satisfied like that. When we arrived home mom came to greet us and she watched Jean with such a pity that I was annoyed. Alessandro was at a friends' house for the weekend so it was going to be just the four of us.

"You have such a pretty face" my mom said and Jean smiled awkwardly.

"Thank you, Mrs. Bodt"

"Let the boys rest a little, Cara" Dad said and we climbed up the stairs with our luggage where my room was. Alessandro had a separate room so we were going to stay in mine, where there was only a one-person bed he was going to take.

"They're okay" He said once we closed the door and I smiled crisped. They could be if they wanted. We unpacked some things, including the gifts I had for my family and told him to change in something comfortable before we went downstairs. He changed in sweat pants and a long-sleeved shirt before we went downstairs where mom already had two cups of hot chocolate prepared for us.

"Sit down, boys, how was the trip?" I began to talk because Jean wasn't "talkative" today. After a few more questions came the big one. "So Marco, do you have any girl you're interested in?" I felt my throat getting sore when I gulped and saw him finally looking up from his cup where he's been staring in the last half an hour. His sandy hair was messy and he looked curious, pupils dilated.

"No" I said simply and he furrowed his brows at me, like he was trying to figure things out. He said he was tired so I suggested he should take a nap and while he was doing so I helped mom with the dinner. I didn't know how to cook but I could help in the kitchen for sure.

"He seems like a nice but troubled kid" Mom commented and I knew who she was referring to. I nodded and didn't add anything because he was indeed acting weird lately. The dinner was done so I went to wake him up but stopped by the bed, looking at his sleeping face. When Jean was sleeping he was looking like a little child, very unlikely so picked my phone and snapped a picture, feeling the blush covering my face. I had no idea what was going on with me. I grabbed his shoulder gently.

"Jean" I whispered and he turned on the other side, mumbling. "Come on, you have to eat dinner" I grabbed his arm and pulled him up, making his eyes snap open. "Good" I said and he leaned on me, rubbing his eyes.

"I don't wanna"

"You have to or mom will flip" We had a pleasant dinner, he was more active that he's been all day and after the Spanish inquisition we ended up with two cups of white hot chocolate back in my room where we were sitting on the stone sill, watching the snow falling beautifully outside. In my town it was very cold every Winter so I was not surprised but he seemed impressed and vaguely pleased by the weather outside. I gave him an extra pair of socks so now his feet were covered in orange fluffy material and they were curled under his slender body that was half-pressed against the window. His hair was still all over the place.

"What?" He asked, turning to me and I shrugged my shoulders. He looked conflicted, like there was some kind of inner fight inside him.

"Whatever is happening you can tell me" I said and he looked away.

"You won't believe me" I knew it was about those fake memories so I chose not to open the subject once again because I couldn't believe something like that, no matter how sincere I believed he was. He was just imagining things. "Marco" he said after a while and I looked at him, arching my brows. "I know what I want for Christmas"

"Hm?"He frowned.

"Nevermind" He whispered, grabbing a fistful of sandy hair. "I'm going to sleep. Night"

"Good night" I couldn't go to sleep right away and I knew he couldn't either but none of us said a word, like we were listening to the snowflakes falling.


	5. Cinq

                My mind was a blur, I couldn't tell the differences before my actual memories and my memories from that dream. But it had to be true because I could see everything crystal clear, we were all there, fighting for the sake of humanity, wearing green capes with the wings of freedom on them. We were desperate to achieve something while not understanding anything and we lost a few on the way to gaining what we desired. We also lost Marco, I was sure of that, I could remember the pain and the regrets that haunted me for the rest of my short life. I've never got the opportunity to be honest about what he meant to me and what a greater person he made me, he didn’t have the chance to see me become a leader. Now that I was looking at him I almost couldn't believe but something like faith must've existed. We were meant to meet again so I could do right for once and for all. This time I was going to protect him.

                He was decorating the Christmas tree along with Alessandro, his 8 years old younger brother and brat, while I was drinking hot cocoa and staring at them because I wasn't a great decorator. They were doing a fine job by all I could say and I looked around to see the many images of Jesus on the walls. This was not the place to swear or act funny, he already told me that.

                "Aren't you going to place at least one ornament?" Marco asked dissatisfied and I got up, leaving my cup aside. I took a white little Santa and placed it on a branch.

                "Here, done" I said and Alessandro burst into laughter, running for the kitchen, probably to pick something. Marco rolled his eyes but smiled a little, going back to putting the tinsel all around the base of the tall thing. "What are we gonna do after we're done with it?"

                "After _we're_ done with it" he corrected and turned around. His ugly Christmas sweater could win the prize for ugliness but I couldn't comment because I was wearing one of his too and it was horrible. "We can either go out for a walk or skating or we can stay in and have a movie marathon" I was a sleazeball when it came to sports so of course I would go for the second. I was wondering if we were going to exchange gifts tonight or we were going to leave them under the tree but either way I was pretty nervous because I didn't know if he would like mine. Marco was a dork, especially when it came to Harry Potter so I bought him a snow globe with Hogwarts and a trinket with the Hufflepuff symbol because he was so Hufflepuff I could barely handle along with a record.

                "We’re so staying in”

                “You’re a couch potato” he chuckled at his own remark and I rolled my eyes.

                “I am ignoring you, Bodt” I turned around and announced I was going to his room so I could call my parents which was a lie I needed to say in order to calm down a bit. My head was spinning because I had little sleep over these last days and whenever I closed my eyes I saw visions of titans and blood and death. I jumped on the bed and checked my phone for a bit; of course my family didn’t reach me, it was as expected. They always thought little of me, I was belonging nowhere because I was in between at all times. I don’t know how but I fell asleep after all and I had a pleasant dream.

                We were on a field, Marco and I and we were talking and laughing like nothing was going on. We were still in our uniforms but we didn’t seem to be on duty, maybe we simply didn’t have many clothes. His eyes were sparkling brown and his face was kind as he was assuring me I shouldn’t be so aggressive all the time because no one wanted to do any harm.

                I woke up a few hours later and once I opened my eyes I saw Marco was next to me, the back of his neck close to my face, in a way that made me feel a little weird. He had a nice neck, that was for sure, in fact, I was positive he had a nice everything. I couldn’t get over the feeling that the fact that we met again in this life was so I could do things right. I was going to take care of him so he wouldn’t get hurt and maybe I will let him know my feelings too. I went a little closer and rested my forehead against his shoulder blade, inhaling his nice smell. I wouldn’t mind spending my days like that. It lasted a few more minutes until he began to stir and he turned around, rubbing his eyes and smiling.

                “Sorry, did I wake you up?” I asked and he shook his head.

                “Sorry, I squished you a bit”

                “It’s your bed” I said and he grinned, showing me his white teeth that were contrasting his darker skin covered in freckles. “What are we watching?”

                “I don’t know, whatever you want” I knew he wanted Harry Potter, the sucker, so I sighed and opened my laptop where I already stuck the series in a folder. He burst into laughter when he saw that but he didn’t comment, he got up and went to the kitchen to ask Alessandro if he wanted to watch it with us (he refused) and to get us some hot cocoa. It was a nice feeling to stay under the blankets and watch movies. We were teasing each other from time to time and by the Prisoner of Aszkaban it was already night but we kept going until we finished them, which was hours later. We fell asleep very late. I wasn’t planning to put his gift under the tree, I was going to give it to him directly so it was around. When he finally woke up I grinned at him.

                “Merry Christmas, Freckles” I said and he chuckled, kicking me with his knee.

                “Merry Christmas, Jean Kirschtein” he replied as if my name was one of a murderer. I didn’t want him to get up and run towards the living room so I struggled to get the gift out of my backpack that was under the bed. I don’t know how I threw it but it hit his face, making him wince and I burst into laughter at his expression.

                “I don’t think I like your present, it attacked me” He was smiling, though, as he was unwrapping the things so he could stare at them. “Oh my Jesus Christ!” he whispered shaking the globe.

                “Don’t take the name of God in vain” I said in a solemn voice and he pushed me gently. “You like it?” I was a little anxious because I spent an entire day picking it. “The music is good too” I assured him and he left it aside, looking at me with affection.

                “Thank you!” I wanted to hug him but there was something telling me I shouldn’t so I continued to stare, my fingers itching to touch. He was still shaking the globe with both hands, his expression one of a child’s. “It’s amazing, Jean” he smiled at me and I swear my heart skipped a beat, he must’ve had the prettiest face I’ve ever seen on a boy. “Yours was brought by Santa so it’s under the tree, you should take it before Alessandro does” He urged so I got out of bed, pulling him along and we sneaked downstairs where we could hear his mother’s singing from the kitchen.

                “Which one?” I asked looking at the small and colourful packages. It was weird, I couldn’t remember the last time I’ve seen such a tree, in fact I couldn’t remember if I’ve ever been so enthusiastic on a Christmas day, they were usually spent in a weird silence or with a burning rage inside my body.

                “The red one” I picked the one and began to shake it, making him alarm a little. “Don’t shake it too hard” I opened it and the first thing I saw was the cup.

                “Slytherin?” My voice was sarcastic. “Why Slytherin?”

                “Because you are one” he replied and I rolled my eyes. “Don’t use that tone with me, Kirschtein, not all Slytherins are bad” Well, if he said so. A Slytherin and a Hufflepuff being best friends, that must be something new. It didn’t matter what it was, it was the thought that he searched for it especially for me that made me feel this strange happiness.

                “Thanks, man” I said, my voice a little shaky. “It’s the best Christmas present ever” I added and he looked at me with eyes widened slightly. I smiled and soon Alessandro burst inside the room, in pajamas and with his hair all over the place.

                “Oh my God! Santa came!” He then came closer to us and put a hand over his mouth to whisper. “I know it’s actually mom and dad” I chuckled and Marco frowned.

                “No way, Santa is real”

                “Grow up, Marco!” The kid said and I swear his bigger brother’s expression was simply priceless. When he looked at me for reinforcement I shrugged my shoulders to signalize it was not my fight to carry. We had a little time enjoying our gifts until Mrs. Bodt came in and told us we should get ready.

                “Ready for what?” I asked Marco and he grinned.

                “Church” Oh my fucking God. Were they serious? I couldn’t complain so I got upstairs and began to search for proper clothing. “Can I wear a hoodie at church?” By his stare I could say he was thinking “better not to” so I searched for a buttoned shirt and a pullover along with some dark jeans that made me look almost presentable. Marco dressed nicely and even brushed his hair, making it look kinda weird – it was not messy him anymore. When we got out the door I had to ask. “Is it far away?” He shook his head.  “Do I have to pray cause I don’t know how”

                “Jean, calm down, all you have to do is sit in place and act like you think about what they speak” he whispered so only I could hear. “It’s not a big deal but dad will be mad if we don’t go” I nodded and he was right, everyone seemed concentrated but I guess they were all thinking about something irrelevant. There were a few ladies that kept staring at me like I was Satan’s child but it was probably because they haven’t seen me before and I was next to the preacher’s son. At one point everyone began to pray and got up and I panicked because I didn’t know the words. I looked over at Marco and the traitor knew them all and they were in fucking Latin! I saw a lady staring at my unmoving mouth and I almost showed her my middle finger. When it was done and we sat back down I kicked Marco with my elbow.

                “Fuck you, you said I didn’t need to do anything” He looked at me shocked and then around to see if anyone heard me. No one did so his face broke in a big smug smile that made me wanna hit him again. “Freckled Jesus my ass” I muttered and he had a fit of giggles that turned a few rows towards us with a not-that-friendly-expression.

                “Shut up, devil” he said solemnly and I don’t know what happened but we were both full-mouth laughing, drawing everyone’s attention. Marco grabbed my hand and pulled me outside the church where we continued our laughter. “We can’t go back in” he said. “We’re in big big trouble, Jean” I chuckled at that.

                “Well, I am used to it” We decided we should go and look around so he was my guide for the day, showing me the little things we could see in his town. But hey, at least they had an ice-rink, right? We didn’t want to go home so we decided skating was a good idea and rented some skating shoes. “I am warning you I am terrible at skating”

                “It’s okay, I’m not a pro either” No, but he sure as hell could skate and he was graceful while doing so. I was not even on the ice when he circled the entire rink once with the air of a ballet dancer. His nose was red but his eyes were shining under his bangs and before I knew it he skated towards me. “Come on” I looked at the ice and gulped.

                “No fucking way, I changed my mind, I am staying here” I smiled cutesy but he didn’t seem tricked.

                “Come on, party pooper” he grabbed my hand with his gloved one, pulling me on the rink and making me almost lose my balance and fall over.

                “Shit, I could die here!” I said annoyed and he chuckled, lighting my mood a bit.

                “You could not die here” He said sarcastic and I moaned in frustration. How could he know? “Easy, try to lean a little further so you can keep your balance” he instructed and I did as he told me, looking like a hunchback. “Move your feet now”

                “No” I yelped and he chuckled.

                “I could film you and post the video online so everyone would know what a scaredy cat the great Jean K. is” I scowled at him and he giggled. “Kidding”

                “You should be my best friend, bastard!” I shouted and skated towards him so I could kick him. He ran away so I chased after him. “You’re a saint on the outside but an ass on the inside” He skated further and I followed, trying not to bother people on my way.

                “I believe my insides are made of something entirely different from ass” I scowled further and he skated by me making me fall. On the way down I was thinking about how I was gonna crack my head open and die right there, brain falling all ove... I couldn’t finish the thought for I was already on the cold ground and Marco was by my side. “Give me your hand” He urged and I did so, being pulled up. I knew he was feeling guilty because his chocolate orbs were gloomy. “I am sorry, wanna take a break?” I nodded and checked my skull with my fingers.

                “Do I bleed?” He chuckled, his eyes still worried.

                “No, you big baby” I went towards the bench and waited until he brought two hot chocolates and handed me one. A song came on and he gasped surprised. “Hear, isn’t this a song by The S..Sloths?” I looked at him like he insulted my mother and knew he did it on purpose.

                “The Smiths” I corrected and he grinned. “There’s a light that never goes out, it’s one of my favourites”

                “I wouldn’t want to be hit by a bus*” he murmured and I shook my head.

                “Me neither” I smiled at him. “We should go and skate some more” I suggested and soon we were circling. It wasn’t particularly fun but it was something else and by the time we were done I was exhausted and we headed home.  He turned to me in front of the house.

                “Prepare yourself” We didn’t get properly in the hall when his mother came with a worried expression.

                “Where did you disappear? I called you all day long”

                “The phones were home” Marco said in an excusing tone and I felt bad because he was in trouble because of me.

                “Your father wants to talk to both of you” We were guided towards the living room where the head of the family stood on the couch, his eyes dark. He was an average-looking man, with gray hair and with the same skin tone as his children; his eyes were very different, they were icy blue, cold enough to cut through you. He motioned us to sit down so we did.

                “What happened today?” Marco tried to explain but there was nothing we could make up, I mean come on, we were just bored and that happened. “I’ve been pointed at by the community because of you. How can I be credible when my own son takes Religion so easily?” Why did he care so much about what other people thought? They were just some chuckles, we didn’t do anything that bad.

                “Excuse me, sir, it was all my fault, I distracted Marco” I said and he got up.

                “I thought so” When he said that I was honestly surprised, I mean, I’ve done everything possible not to bother anyone and to show them how grateful I was for keeping me.

                “It’s not all Jean’s fault” Marco said and his father rose a hand as if to silence him.

                “Do you think I haven’t read right through you? You are clearly the result of a broken family”  I frowned at that because it was a low-blow, I had nothing to do with how my family was structured, I tried to raise myself. “You have destroyed your body with piercings and tattoos, you’re lazy...” I had to stop him.

                “In fact I’ve been working ever since I was 15 so I could support my mother and pay for my studies” My voice was somewhat sarcastic. “And my body is my own and I can do whatever I want with it.”       

                “You’re bad influence”

                “Dad!” Marco shouted and I sighed, turning to him and trying to keep my rage under control.

                “It’s okay, I’ll leave, don’t fight him” I whispered.

                “My house won’t hold anyone who is not the man of God” he added, pissing me off and I turned one last time towards him.

                “Well, maybe you should start thinking about what that means because you are clearly more worried about appearances than your children’s sake. I haven’t heart Marco ever telling me he’s been talking to you on the phone during the year. Now I’ll take my leave. Have a Merry Fucking Christmas!” My face must’ve been red because it felt like burning when I stormed upstairs where my things were, followed closely by Marco.

                “You’re not actually leaving, are you?”

                “Yes, I am” I said and he grabbed my arm.

                “Come on, Jean, you’re overreacting”

                “Your father despises me” I muttered and stopped to look at his desperate expression. “I am sorry, I fucked things up” A sigh filled the room.

                “I’m coming with you” Was he crazy?

                “No way, spend time with your family, I’ll see what I can do” I was thinking about visiting mom but honestly I wasn’t in the mood so maybe I was simply going back in town and watch lots of movies and play videogames until the next year came. Everything was in place.

                “Jean” he muttered when I grabbed my stuff. “Please stay” I shook my head. I’ve done enough to fuck things up already. “Then let me take you to the train station” I let him do that, we changed a few busses until we reached the destination where I went to buy my train ticket. “I am so sorry” he gulped. He was obviously sad.

                “Not your fault. And it’s still my best Christmas so far” I smiled and he came closer to wrap his arms around my body, surprising me. I buried my face in his coat’s shoulder and inhaled his nice smell that made me wanna ask him to come along. I couldn’t do that, though so I slowly let him go, faking a smile. “I’ll message you” He nodded and smiled back.

                “Do that, take care of yourself, alright?” I bit my lower lip and saw my train was coming – we arrived just in time to catch it.

                “Merry Christmas, Freckles” I said and ran towards the door, leaving him behind. I was on the stairs when I heard my name shouted.

                “Merry Christmas, Jean!” He yelled and I felt my cheeks heating, my heart beating faster than usual, I hurried inside to the window so I could stare as he walked with unsure steps, leaving me behind. It was for the best, for I didn’t need his father’s smart remarks and I didn’t need to cause a heavier atmosphere than usual. I found my place and settled, putting my headphones in and playing something soft.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * - That's a reference to "There's a light that never goes out" by The Smiths  
> Thank you for reading! <3


	6. Six

                The atmosphere was heavy in the dining room and I tried to ignore the gawking of my parents as I was eating the fried chicken from my plate. Alessandro was silent himself, probably feeling uneasy after the entire scene that took place the day before and I sighed once more, wondering what was Jean doing. He was either at home, drinking by himself and watching something, either at some party, making out with another random girl he found and who was in need for affection. Somehow the second thought made me feel sick so another sigh came on.

                “Straighten your back” Dad said and I offered him a short glance before doing as he said and continuing to eat, my foot slowly hitting the floor with it’s tip. They were talking about some papers that were needed to be done and I haven’t realized they were talking to me until I heard my name. I looked up. “Marco, you’re horribly out of sorts today” I rolled my eyes. “Is it because Jean?”

                “Well, it might have something to do with the fact that you kicked my best friend out on a Christmas day” I spit the words annoyed and mom looked worried at me.

                “Marco!” she half-whispered and I got up, ready to place my plate in the sink. “Get back here” But I was already on my way upstairs where I locked myself inside the room and checked the phone that was charging. There was no message so I pressed “create” and wrote Jean “Hi, how’s it going?”

                The reply was fast.

_Jeanbo: Hi Freckls, on my wy to a pargy_.  I sighed – he must’ve been drunk, not that I was surprised. I had to get him cut the alcohol as soon as possible, otherwise it was going to be bad.

_Marco: I think I am coming home sooner._   I deleted that, I couldn’t let my parents now, no matter how hard and boring was to stay around. I told him to take care and not drink so much and then turned on my laptop, deciding I should watch a movie.

                I knew there was no point in trying to explain dad what was wrong with his attitude so I haven’t even tried but the fact that mom was simply keeping quiet and ignoring the problem was making me the saddest. I spent the next few days texting Jean and playing with Alessandro – mostly cards, until I found out he was spending the New Year’s eve at a friend’s house and I began feeling lonely. I was wondering what I should do and while I was doing that I received a text message from Reiner.

_ReinerBraun: You coming to the party 2nite, right?_   I looked at screen not understanding but didn’t have time to reply cause I received the second _.  Jean’s on my ass about missing u. Have to come, at Connie’s dorm at 9. I won’t tell Jean you’re coming._

                Reiner was one of the kindest people I knew which was funny because he was one of the most scary-looking people too. Going to a party seemed a lot better than staying alone in my bedroom so I talked with mom and told her she should send my things the next day or the day after and I began to search for something to wear, feeling weirdly nervous. Jean told Reiner he missed me. At the thought I felt blush creeping over my face and I tried to calm down and prepare myself. The day moved on speed forward so when I found myself inside the train I took a big breath, trying to calm down. Connie’s dorm was Sasha’s too so I’ve been there before but that didn’t mean it was easy to find the room. I went at a store and bought some chips and when I got there I texted Bert.

_Marco: I am in front of the place._

_Reiner: Take the stairs on the right and no one’l c u._

                I couldn’t believe I was sneaking in but once I reached the first floor I realized there was no danger – the music was booming loudly, almost moving the furniture on the hall and there was laughter coming from a specific room. There was no chance for me knocking on the door so I simply entered and was surprised when no one realized I did – there could be homeless people coming and going and no one would have notice. It was not big but it was crowded and everyone was drinking and smoking.

                “Excuse me” I muttered as I made my way through and accidently bumped into someone. Black eyes widened and the tall frame wrapped arms around me.

                “Marcoooo!” It was Berthold who spin me around for a bit before letting me go. “Hi”

                “Hi, Bert! Where’s everyone?”

                “If by everyone you mean horsie he is in the bathroom with a girl” I felt my stomach drop at the sound of his words and looked around for a familiar face to save myself. I didn’t know where all these feelings were coming but soon my mood worsened and I didn’t want to be there anymore. I talked to a few more people and drank some juice and I was talking to Armin when I turned around and saw the bathroom door open and Jean Kirschtein stepping outside, fixing his jeans. Next to him was a girl and he wrapped an arm around her shoulders before he spotted me and froze for a moment. He half-opened his mouth and I smiled, waving, feeling like crying. He immediately released the girl and ran towards me, grabbing my head with both hands. In that moment I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest and I looked at him confused, seeing how he closed his eyes and leaned on, pressing his lips against mine, shortly. His lips were dry but the touch was gentle and his hands were pulling on my shirt, like he was making sure I wouldn’t run away. I never imagined my first kiss would be like that but I was happy it was with Jean, I really was.

                “Marcooo” he said after he let me go, when my face was beet red. He was reeking of alcohol and I looked over his shoulder to see the girl who was watching me stupefied, her fists slowly clenching and unclenching. “I had no idea you were coming” he said and I watched his hazel eyes shining.

                “Me neither” I said trying to cease the feeling inside my tummy that was making me go crazy. He probably didn’t realize that was my first kiss and he took my hand in his pulling me towards another room.

                “Gay moment!” Sasha yelled and Jean showed her his middle finger, annoyed.

                “Why are we friends with them?” He asked closing the door behind us and I realized we were on the balcony so I shivered in the cold air. “Wait a little” He was back with two red cups that were filled with something bad-smelling. “Vodka with juice, try it” I took a gulp and felt my throat burning, almost choking.

                “This is disgusting, Jean!” I gasped and he burst into laughter, making me grin.

                “You’re such a dork, Marco. And so innocent” I rolled my eyes at him and took another sip just to show him I wasn’t a prude. “What’re you doin’ here?”

                “I was bored home”  He turned to me, deadly serious.

                “Have I ever told you how much I dislike your dad?” I chuckled.

                “I kinda figured it out on my own” he smiled and drank half of his glass so I took the thing and threw the rest outside. “You had enough”

                “Party pooper” he muttered and I sat down on a chair that was empty near the door, looking outside. In town it was not snowing but it was pretty cold and I knew I might catch a cold. “I’m sorry for what happened with my dad”

                “Not your fault” His smile was a little sad. “You can’t blame other people’s actions on you” This turned unexpectedly serious so when he sat down and rested his head on my shoulder I couldn’t help but remember the kiss.

                “Jean?”

                “Hm”

                “I...um” I almost lost my breath and he chuckled quietly. “Inside there, uhm, it was my... first kiss” Once he heard the words he got up and looked at me borderline panicked, making me feel sorry for saying that. He was looking like he’s been robbing me of my virtue or something so I grinned at his expression.

                “Oh my fucking God!” he grabbed my knee as if he was looking for support. “I am so sorry, fuck” His face turned red as he grabbed his hair, pulling slightly in distress. He shouldn’t have killed himself over something so trivial so I grabbed his fingers and slowly made him let the blonde strands go.

                “I’m not” I said and he stopped for a moment that felt like forever. He looked up at me and I could see his cheeks were faintly pink too, probably like mine because I was feeling my skin boiling. “But you’re drunk” The thought that creeped inside my mind was that he did all those because he was drunk and unaware of his actions so I didn’t want to imagine things that would never happen.

                “No, Marco” he whispered. “I mean, sure I am drunk. Well, dizzy at least” He looked began to bounce his leg agitated. “I’ve had this strange feeling ever since I met you” he whispered and I felt my heart exploding. I wanted him to talk already. “And then I remembered everything” He was talking about that other life. I had no idea what to tell him.

                “Jean” My voice was weak. I didn’t need his feelings from another life or from a dream, I needed his feelings now. “I don’t know what to get out of this” I whispered and he looked at me pained.

                “I like you, Marco” Before we knew it the countdown began and I looked at him, dizzy but not from the alcohol.

6

5

4

                “I- I like you too” I stuttered and he smiled gently, taking my hand in his.

3

2

1

                When “one” came I went closer and pressed a kiss on his cheek, not feeling brave enough for anything else. I was still confused and it was all sudden so I had no idea what to do. He smiled and as the fireworks lightened the sky his arm wrapped around me. When we stepped back inside I decided I shouldn’t tell anyone about it and tried to talk to other people, drinking little by little until I got drunk – for the first time. There were a lot of firsts tonight.

                What I didn’t know about drinking was the sensation after so when I woke up the next morning  with a spinning head and with a dry mouth and vomiting sensation I swore to God I was never gonna drink again. My neck was hurting and I began to move it, looking around to see where I was. I was inside a bathtub, my long legs outside it and there was a pair of feet next to me too and they belonged to Jean Kirschtein who was sleeping at the other end. He was looking peacefully, almost like a child and I felt bad for having to wake him up but it was the best for his back that was in a weird position now.

                “Jean” I whispered, grabbing his leg and slowly shaking it. He woke up suddenly and gasped for air, looking around panicked. “It’s okay, we’re still at Connie’s” I said and he slowly got up, leaving me behind. I had no idea where he was going until he got in front of the toilet and unzipped his jeans, making me blush and look away. This boy had no common sense.

                “Sweet relief” He sighed and turned around. “Come on” I was waiting for a reaction but there was none, all that happened once we got out was that he lit a cigarette and began to whine about how everything hurt. I could catch him staring at me from time to time but whenever he realized he was seen he was biting his lower lip, like he was hiding something. Like expected, he was acting like nothing happened and I decided there was nothing I could do about it, I wasn’t going to ruin our friendship.

                Soon we were at our place and thankfully Reiner and Berthold were sleeping so no one bothered us as we drank our grapefruit juice and cuddled in our own beds. My head was hurting too bad for sleeping and I looked over to see Jean was the same on his side, looking on the walls like he was doing math, with a concentrated air.

                “Hey” I whispered. He turned around to watch me but didn’t answer.

                “I think I will start dating” When I heard that my stomach turned in knots. The question was – who was he planning to date? “There is a girl that comes constantly to the music shop, I gave her my number last year” I gulped, feeling as if I was stepping on broken glass. I hated myself for expecting something else but after what he saw last night I really thought we were gonna be something more than friends.

                “And have you talked to her?” He nodded and winced, probably because of the pain he felt once he moved suddenly. These were news to me. “You never told me about her” He shrugged and I felt a bitter taste inside my mouth.

                “Never took it seriously before”

                “Then why now?” The words fell hard inside the room. He didn’t have an answer, of course he didn’t want to admit that he was afraid of what was going on, he wasn’t going to assume his feelings. As forward and franc as Jean was, he was never good at dealing with these kind of things but that wasn’t an excuse as long he was hurting people; as long as it was hurting me. I bit my lip. “I’m gonna take a nap” I turned to the other side, facing the wall and tried to keep from moving as hot tears began to pour on my cheeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What the heck are you doing J. Kirschtein? I know, I know :)


	7. Sept

"So you're into old music" I chuckled at her comment and she tightened her grip on my hand. "I've never heard of the bands you keep talking about" Grace was one year my junior, she was studying architecture and somehow, by some wonder approached me while I was completely sober. It was like I had double personality – awesome when I was drunk and loser when I was sober so it was a miracle she took interest in me.

"They're not that old" I said thinking about Morrissey who was still very much alive and still singing. She placed the little black hat back on her short hair and I smiled when she booped my nose, slightly touching my septum.

"I like that" She pointed to my nose and I smirked; I hated my fucking nose, it was too damn big but it was characteristically French so I had nothing better to keep from my elders. She strangely liked it.

"You're the only one, then" We were walking through a parking lot, searching for the bus station as we were going back home from the movies. We started dating a few weeks ago and the girl was amazing, she had great sense of humour, she was pretty and she wasn't pushing me. The thing was - I never had a real relationship before, I just fooled around so I had no idea how I had to act around her.

"Don't you want to come over?" I knew what that meant so I shook my head. I wasn't going to make a fool of myself just yet. "Then can I come over at yours?"

"You know I have a roommate, right? And we live with a gay couple" I said and she giggled, pulling me towards her to kiss my cheek.

"How could I forget about Marco when you keep talking about him?" I widened my eyes surprised because I wasn't aware I talked about him so much. Ever since New Year's Eve when we kissed I tried to act normal around him and like nothing happened but there was something bothering me deep inside and he was slightly changed too. I cared about Marco a freaking lot, he was my person but I wasn't going to ruin our relationship – plus, I was not gay. Nope, no sir. "You made me curious, I want to meet him" I sighed.

"Okay" I was not sure he wanted to meet her but he was going to endure a few hours. We took the bus towards our part of town and once we got inside and as I closed the door behind me there were hurried steps coming towards the hall, where we were.

"Jean I swear to Go-" Marco was standing in the door, pajama pants on and his hair all over the place. He just took a shower, as it could be seen and he froze when he saw us, forcing a smile on his freckled face. "Hi! I'm Marco" he came closer and offered her a hand.

"Grace" she smiled. "I heard quite a lot about you" He offered me a panicked look and then excused himself, saying our place was a mess but guiding us there anyway. "No joke your part of room is messy" I burst into laughter.

"I do the laundry, I even fold his clothes" Marco said and Grace shook her head.

"Poor child, having to take care after such a messy boy" The sentence fell flat inside the room and I turned to see my best friend who was looking anywhere but at us as Grace kissed my cheek. I wasn't comfortable with this at all. Her lips moved to mine and I didn't close my eyes, instead I watched Marco who at one point looked straight into my eyes. He was expressionless but I could feel his anxiety and I pushed Grace slowly away, concentrating on her.

"Stop woman, we have time for this"

"Next weekend" she said and Marco raised a brow at us when she turned to explain. "We're going to ski next weekend" The question was if he would like to come but I already knew the answer and I felt a pressure inside my chest again. I hated to see Marco like this, he didn't deserve it. But he smiled and talked the problem away, being a good host after all, excusing himself when we were kissing and preparing tea for all of us. When Grace left I could finally breathe properly so I fell on the bed, face down.

"Sorry" I muttered.

"What for?" For making you go through all these without preparing you first.

"I wanted to tell you about the weekend sooner" He smirked, the smile not reaching his eyes.

"You don't have to tell me, it's your relationship" Something in his tone was unsettling so I went closer and set on his bed, where the mattress sunk. My hand found his and I tightened my grip on his warm fingers, trying to get a reaction. He slowly retrieved from my touch. "I hope you will have fun" His smile was sincere, there was not a single mean bone in his body, he was Marco after all but I knew he wasn't happy.

"Let's play videogames until late" I offered and he got up, searching for his laptop.

"I have a project to make" I hated how he avoided me but I couldn't force anything on him so I played video games by myself in silence, texting Grace from time to time. After what happened I wasn't in the mood at all for her but I had no reason to be an asshole just because I was pissed and lose her. The next few days Marco acted the same, we did most things together but he was distant and was avoiding any kind of physical contact. I couldn't ask for any, though, no matter how much my fingers itched for it.

I sucked at skiing and I had no idea what I was looking for once we reached the mountain. Grace on the other side, was a pro at winter sports so the first day was spent with me watching her do all kind of cool stuff and me recording everything and staying on 9gag. Reiner told me Marco was going to spend the weekend with him and Bert so I was already sorry for the poor innocent boy who had to witness all their sticky behaviour. They were good guys but they were the main cause of Diabetes in the US. Plus, they were always showing more than you wanted to see, it was like a rule or something. I told myself I was going to concentrate on Grace and let the guys have their fun but the truth was I was pretty bored and the fact that things were strange between Marco and I was on my brain, yelling at me to do something. So I closed the 9gag app and texted him.

_Jean: How's goin?_

_Marco: I need insulin._ I burst into laughter when I saw that and marvelled over the fact that he thought about the same thing that I did just minutes ago.

_Jean: I am such a dumbass 2 come here._

_Marco: Why?_

_Jean: Cause I can't stand on my feet._ I placed a laughing emoji and received one before his reply came.

_Marco: Let your phone aside and have fun, try new things._ He was right, I was no fun staying like a grump on the side so in the next hours my ass met the ground all too many times, turning purple, most probably.

We were staying in the same room so once we reached it I announced I was going to have a shower. The truth was I was nervous, I was sure things were going to go further than just making out tonight and I wasn't sure I could do that, not without drinking, at least. I made sure I looked acceptable and while she was having her shower I picked some whiskey from the mini bar, whistling when I saw the price. Well, I really needed it. I took a big gulp so when Grace was out, only in a short camisole in front of me, her hair wet, I sucked in air and tried to watch her in the eye.

"You're so cute" She came closer and sat in my lap, resting her head against on my shoulder. "For such a bad boy you act innocent"

"What did you expect?" Probably groping and public bath sex. Things were not as they seemed, most times. She didn't answer, instead she turned her head and kissed my lips forcefully, opening them with my tongue and brushing mine roughly. She was tasting of toothpaste and I had to wrap my arms around her so she wouldn't fall. It was a passionate kiss but I was used to it and when we broke it we were both panting and she leaned to whisper in my ear. "Let's move to bed"

She got up and dragged me towards the double bed that was basically staring at us. Or I was crazy and it was only staring at me. She sat on her back and motioned to me to come closer which I did, placing my legs on either side of her own.

"You're so hot" she mumbled and kissed the corner of my mouth, proceeding towards my mouth. "Closer" She asked and I did so, pressing my chest against hers as her hands began to pull my hair. One stripe of her camisole fell, revealing a breast and I began to trail kisses down her neck when something began to buzz and I rose my head confused.

"Hm?"

"I don't know, keep going" she grabbed my neck and pulled me closer, kissing me forcefully once again and ignoring the insistent sound. It seemed important so I began to worry and got up. "Really?" Her voice was filled with annoyance but I ignored her and grabbed my phone that was ringing.

"It's Reiner" I muttered and answered, it better had to be good. "Hello?"

"Jean, did Marco call?" I furrowed my brows.

"Marco? Isn't he with you?" He began to tell how he began drinking and now he was nowhere to be found. I began pulling my hair in distress and took big breaths, trying to calm down.

"He kept saying something about you fucking someone, I don't know" Reiner said and a bitter taste filled my mouth. "Dude, I am a little high myself" I was going to call Marco and make sure he was alright, that's what I told him and as soon as he hung up I dialled his contact, that was on speed dial.

"What the fuck?" Grace asked and I raised a finger, telling her to shut up when he finally answered. His voice was throaty.

"Hello?" He was definitely walking.

"Where are you? Reiner and Bert are worried" There was a short sniffle and a loud noise and I sat on the edge of the bed, trying to regain my control. I was a little dizzy and I bet he was drunk so it had no point for me to yell at him or to command him around.

"I went for a walk" I looked at my wristwatch. He went for a walk at fucking 10 PM, on a winter day when the sky was pitch black. "It's okay" He sniffled again and I sighed.

"No, you're not. Talk to me" There was a long pause.

"I'll call you some other time, I'll go back to Reiner" My blood began to boil but I accepted and told him to send me a message when he was back, so I could stay assured nothing happened to him. He's been crying, I could imagine his red nose and his watery deep brown eyes that were searching for something they could focus on. I clenched my fist and smashed my phone on the bed. I wanted to fucking be there for him. I didn't realize when the mattress moved but soon hands were on my shoulders and I rested my head in my lap, bowing down.

"What happened?" I forgot where I was and who I was with so I winced.

"He won't fucking talk to me. I hate this" I was sounding like a petulant child but I had all the reasons to be; my best friend hated me and now he was walking around the town drunk. Marco wouldn't have touched alcohol before me, his parents were right – I was a bad influence, I was slowly changing and hurting him. "He's been crying because of me" I continued and got up to pick the whiskey bottle. "Want some?" I poured in a glass for her too and offered it to her before lighting a cigarette.

"What happened?"

"I don't know" I muttered. I was a liar, I knew exactly what was wrong. It was wrong that I avoided the conversation about happened, that I hurried in a relationship to make sure he wouldn't hope for anything after telling him I liked him. We sat in silence and I realized how awkward the situation was, I was with my girlfriend, talking about my possible love-interest. We smoked half a pack together and at her 6th cigarette she gasped.

"Holy fuck, I can't believe this is happening to me."

"What do you mean?" I asked and she threw me a you-should-shut-up-look. "I've seen the way you looked at him but I thought I was imagining things" I was confused. "You wouldn't take your eyes off him, no matter who was talking"

"That's not true" she humpf-ed.

"So you're bisexual?"

"I don't know, I have no idea" Or I wasn't going to accept the fact that I was even weirder. Not that being gay was something bad but it seemed a lot harder than being straight and I already had a hard time dealing with people. She was right, the situation was weird, I bet that was not the way she imagined things going tonight but it was better for her to know.

"So what are you going to do?" No answer came so she moved closer. "If you love him you should be with him" It was not that easy, changing an entire identity in a few moments, ruining a friendship for something that could have been a one-week relationship. I was scared and if I was losing Marco I was losing everything, he was the only one I cared deeply for. And there were the memories I had from the previous life – the ones in which we were in the exact situation, feeling something between friendship and love. Being soulmates without touching each other. "Call him again"

"No" I muttered. Grace got up and went to the table to grab my phone and bring it to me. She was right, there was no text yet so he was still alone and I tried to be brave for once and called him again. He replied on the second ring. "Hey, where are you?" I bit my lower lip.

"I don't know for sure" he said and coughed. "Where are you? I told you not to stay on the phone" I smiled at that – of course he was thinking about others first.

"I am inside the hotel room" When he heard that there was a small break and I could have sworn he was sobbing, trying to gulp his tears. "Don't cry, there's no need to cry, I am so sorry"

"t's okay" he sighed and I rubbed my earlobe between my thumb and forefinger.

"I'll stay on the phone until you reached the first bus station" I said and for half an hour we didn't say a word, instead we listened to each other breathing, making sure we were alive and good. I was glad nothing happened to him, I really was.

"I'm here" he muttered so we said our goodbyes and I was left dumbfounded, not sure what I was going to do.

"What are you planning to do?" Grace asked and I sighed. "Let's get wasted" And for the rest of the weekend I was constantly drunk and talking about Marco, about how sweet he liked his tea, about his shitty taste in music, his dumb pajamas, his reaction to minor things, his hard-working ass, his adorable freckles, the way he was blushing. Grace was right, I was having it bad and I was surprised how easy she took the whole thing – she was obviously a good girl. We broke up, of course and when we arrived in town and were in the train station I asked her if we could keep being friends. "Maybe in a few months" she replied as the cab pulled over. "Be happy until then, stop running away from your feelings"

"Oh, okay" I promised and waved at her, going towards my own cab. It was pretty late so I had to unlock the front door then lock it back, leaving the luggage simply in the hall and taking my shoes off. I was anxious to see him, even though I wasn't sure what I could tell him. I undressed and enter our room, finding Marco on his bed, facing the wall, his entire being curled in a ball, a hand under his pillow.

I went to brush my teeth and changed in nightwear before I breathed long and took one of the bravest decisions in my life so far. I wasn't going to sleep alone, not now, so I simply sat on his bed and cuddled closer, stealing a part of his blanket. I don't know if it was the blanket or my big ass moving that woke him up but his breath became irregular. He didn't say anything so I closed my eyes, taking in his sweet scent that was making me feel at home.

"Jean?" His voice was low and unsure as he whispered my name and I replied by sneaking an arm around his middle and resting my head on his shoulder blade, feeling his every movement. "What are you doing?"

"Shhh" I cooed and held him tighter. I didn't know what I wanted to do, if I wanted to be with him or if it was right, I wasn't sure if he wanted me either; all I knew was that he was there and our hearts were beating at the same time, close to each other. That was all I ever needed. "Good night" I said tenderly and I was surprised when his hand grabbed my own, gripping it tightly under the covers.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You are all awesome and I hope I will be able to post every Thursday. Thanks for reading! ♥ ♥


	8. Huit

The alarm went off too early so I searched for my phone that was next to the wall and pressed the "dismiss" button sleepily, resuming my position. I really needed to get to college, that was the first thing I thought before my senses came back and I realized there was an arm wrapped around me. An arm that was holding me with a strong grip. I turned around and almost gasped when I saw who the possessive person was, remembering everything about last night. A few centimetres away slept Jean Kirschtein, his honey hair all over the place and his long eyelashes forming shadows on his high cheekbones. He looked beautiful, not that it was a new fact I just learnt. His breath was regular and he was obviously lost in dreamland but I had to move, especially that it was a weird situation. I didn't know what was going on and as much as I enjoyed having him so close to me, touching me, it was not alright for he had a girlfriend. She seemed like a good girl but I couldn't help burning with jealousy every time they were kissing or he was holding her. So I placed my hand on his chest and pushed gently.

"Jean, wake up" He was a heavy sleeper so I had to push harder. "Jean!" I said louder and he finally opened his eyes, showing me his hazels. His expression was saying "what the hell is going on?" so I felt like answering. "College, it's Monday"

"Yea" he looked around a little confused himself and his cheeks turned a cute shade of light pink so I chuckled and deepened the colour.

"Out of my bed, Kirschtein"

"Ouch, that hurt" he said and I raised a brow, wondering if he was sarcastic or the words had some meanings behind them. I went to have my shower and then began to wash my teeth when there was a knock on the door. "Can I come in?" I tried to say yes with toothpaste inside my mouth and he did come in and instead of peeing, like I thought he would, he rested his head on my shoulder, tiptoeing to do so because I was slightly taller. I looked in the mirror and figured there was something bugging him so I spit and rinsed my mouth.

"What?"

"Nothing" he muttered, sounding unconvinced. He was acting weird, being so close to me and touching me with every chance.

"I'll go fix your coffee" I mumbled and hurried outside, picking the clothes I was going to wear later at college. I had quite a few classes so I had to be mentally prepared and the way my roommate and best friend was staring at me as he was sipping his coffee was not helping me at all. "How was your weekend?" I asked, trying to create some sound in the room, though I wasn't enthusiastically waiting to hear about his romantic trip. I spent the entire Friday and Saturday trying to chase images out of my head, trying to convince myself there was nothing more I could do.

"We broke up" he whispered and I almost choked on my tea, wondering if I heard well. My expression was telling everything cause he kept going. "It's okay, we decided to stay friends"

"Why? I mean why did you break up not the friends thing" I said and he smiled shyly. "There's something wrong with you" I affirmed. "Are you sick?"

"No" he answered.

"Right" I said and got up. "Whatever happened you should fix things with her" Just when I said that Reiner and Bert entered the kitchen, sleepy just like us.

"With who?" The tall brunette asked.

"I broke up with Grace" Jean said and I put my boots on, taking my bag.

"Why?" Reiner asked on a whiny tone and I announced I was leaving because I was going for a morning walk. I was usually walking to uni with Jean or with one of the other two but now I needed some time and he was acting weird and not helping me at all. Sometimes I was wondering what was going on inside that blonde head of his. I was done with college sometime in the afternoon and I was thinking about eating out with Armin when my phone pinged.

_Jean: You done?_

_Marco: Yes_

A few moments for the answer.

_Jean: Let's eat 2gether_

I sighed but didn't refuse him and soon we were meeting in front of the library. He was wearing his usual red beanie and the rest was made of dark colours which were looking nice on his pale skin.

"Where are we eating?" he asked.

"KFC?" I was not into trash food but I knew he loved it so we decided it was a go and began the path towards the closest one. We were talking briefly about what happened over the day until we arrived and got what we desired, sitting at a small table. There were a lot of students but it was not a wonder, after all this was a cheap place where you could get your tummy filled. My mother would have killed me to see me right now, eating spicy wings. His eyes were wide as I was dipping my chicken inside my sauce and I let it down, groaning.

"What is going on?!" I became frustrated.

"Huh?" _Dumbass._

"You're staring, Jean! Ever since this morning. Do I have sharpie on my face or something?" He shook his head and looked at his phone that brightened. I guess it was my fault that we didn't talk a lot after that and the pressure inside my chest made it harder and harder to breath.

I was grateful once we got outside in the cold air where I could look around and pretend nothing bad was going on in between us. I valued Jean as friend, I never wanted to lose him but I needed time to get over the heartbreak. The snow was gritting under our boots as we were walking the short way home. He lit a cigarette and it was the only red light on the dark street. I watched his slender fingers holding the little thing and as soon as he observed my glance he took his other hand out of his jacket and sneaked it inside my jacket's pocket where my warm one was. He was freezing so I let him do that, biting my lip when his fingers intertwined with mine. Why was he so confusing?

I didn't refuse his touch, instead I held tight on his bony fingers like my life depended on it. There were some people staring but Jean never let go and I had to take big breaths to calm my fast-beating heart.

"Let's stop here" he said pointing towards an empty children's playground. Once he said that he got his hand out and stepped ahead, towards the two swings that he wiped with his hand, making sure they were clean of snow.

I sat down on one and he began to move the swing, his feet slowly leaving the ground. With all his bad-boy look, he looked like a child, smiling at the moon and looking towards the many stars. I slowly moved mine too and rested against the cold chain that was supporting my weight.

"I had one of these in the back yard" he said, still staring upwards. "I used to spend hours swinging by myself" I could imagine a small Jean, somewhat scared and lonely.

"I liked the slides better" I said and he chuckled.

"Of course you did. I climbed those"

"So you were the asshole type who got the slides dirty" We both chuckled and he shrugged his shoulders, not denying anything. "If we would have met when we were younger I think you would have bullied me"

"No I wouldn't have" He said and I smiled bitterly. "I think we would have got along just fine" Maybe, we will never know, that was for sure. "Marco?" My name sounded sweet from his mouth and I almost lost my balance when his hand grabbed the chain I was holding on to and pulled it so he brought me closer to him.

His hand rested on my neck and my heart began to fight the front wall of my torso, trying to escape from the too little space. He was warm, I could feel his breath on my face once he got closer and I closed my eyes when his lips pressed against mine, making me lean forward. It was short, just like the first one we had and once he pulled apart my fairytail ended, I knew what was going to follow – him denying his feelings. His nose was red and I think his face was flushed not just because of the cold weather and he smiled gently, coming closer so he could kiss my nose.

"Jean" I whimpered and he smiled, getting up and offering me his hand once again. We didn't say anything, we simply held hands until we reached the dorm where I had to let go to open the door. I didn't want him to say anything because I was still walking on clouds. We were alone and on the fridge we found a heart-shaped sticky note saying : **Out on date night. 3 R+B**

"Those fuckers" he muttered and I chuckled, putting some water to boil, not sure what for. "You want hot chocolate?"

"Tea" I said thinking harder and avoiding his look. He came closer and grabbed my wrist.

"Me too" His words made me stiffen when I felt something crawling in my tummy and I turned around to watch his face. He was looking very at ease, the opposite of me.

"Are we gonna talk about this?" I asked, gulping my fear.

"What is there to talk about?" Well, kissing people out of the blue was not exactly a normal situation, especially when people meant your best friend and roommate that was also a guy. At this point I thought he was playing with my mind so I sighed, trying not to think ahead of me. "I like you" When he said that I dropped the spoonful of sugar I was holding above the cup, making sugar spread everywhere and I knelt on the floor, trying to grab it. Soon he was by him side, cleaning the floor too and he looked at me, almost nervous. "So?" I bit my lower lip.

A deep breath.

"I was hoping you were gonna like me too" his voice was barely audible and I thought I was going to explode. I let what I was holding down and nodded.

"I do" I whispered back and I swear that for a moment his eyes seemed to glisten, that until the sound of water boiling brought us back to reality and he got up before it would spill all over. He poured it inside the cups and I finished the cleaning with trembling fingers, still not knowing how to react. "Mint, please" He nodded and placed the teabags inside the cups, putting them on the table. We sat at the same table again and I couldn't cease to stare at him, at the way he was twirling his spoon inside the hot drink, a silly smile playing his lips.

"I am not kidding" he muttered and I smiled back when he looked at me. "I am fucking scared of what is going on" I was too, I would have never guessed I will ever be interested in someone of the same sex but my feelings for Jean were impossible to ignore.

"We're gonna be fine" I said forcefully. I was not sure what I was assuring him for but I knew I didn't want him to worry. I got up and moved my chair closer to him. I had no idea what I was doing, I had no experience and I was feeling like bursting. I placed my hand on his and he got tomato-red.

"Oh my fucking God, you're gonna kill me!" He whined and I giggled, blushing myself.

"What?"

"You're so fucking cute" He leaned closer and I instinctively leaned too, knowing what was going to happen. I was becoming addicted to kissing Jean Kirschtein, that was for sure. His lips were dried so it was quite a harsh feeling, but it was making me burn inside. He was tasting of mint tea and his skin was smelling nicely, making my senses shudder. I opened my eyes and saw he was looking at me intently and rubbed his nose against mine. "Marco Fucking Freckles"

"Jean Horse Kirschtein" I said and he widened his eyes, bursting into laughter as I got up and ran towards the bedroom.

"I'm gonna beat your ass if I hear that again"

"Domestic violence" I gasped faking shock and he wrapped his arms around me in the middle of the room, pulling me closer for another chaste kiss. "Bad boy" I said teasingly and ran my fingers through his hair, pulling it slightly. "Let's watch a movie" He raised a brow. "Aladdin"

Soon the movie was on and he was making popcorn. I was placing the pillows on my bed when I he came in with a bowl of popcorn with cheese and a few chocolate bars. I still couldn't believe this was happening to me so I kept staring until he placed the food down and wrapped and arm around me.

"What?" I shook my head and he kissed my head. You wouldn't have believed Jean Kirschtein was such a cuddler and kisser, not that I was complaining. He offered me the popcorn and we ate and watched the movie until we got distracted. My foot was wiggling against his and he tried to stop it by placing his on top of mine and that lead to him tickling my brains out while I was trying to escape without suffocating.

"You beast" I said and pushed him away with no result. "Stooop!" I yelled and pushed hard enough for him to fall down the bed with a loud thump. I got up, alarmed and looked to see how he was. "Jean, are you okay?" He was lying on a side so I thought it was something severe, maybe a cracked bone.

I got up and hurried to him but as soon as I was kneeling next to him he jumped on me, making me fall on my back.

"Cheater!" I yelled and he chuckled.

"It's not my fault I am acting so good" I rolled my eyes and caught his hands before he could tickle me more.

"I was worried" I pouted, faking annoyance. He furrowed his brows.

"So what can I do so you can forgive me?"

"Legend of Zelda" I whispered and he chuckled, letting his head fall on my shoulder.

"Such a fucking dork"

"Still worth it" I grinned and we got up, heading towards the console that was waiting for us. I beat his ass a couple of times, like usual as he was pretty bad at playing videogames or any kind of games and after I satisfied my ego we made another cup of tea and settled for the room, each one on our own beds. "So that's why you broke up with Grace?" He didn't look bothered when I mentioned her.

"Yes, she kinda figured it out on her own" he said and I rose my eyebrows, surprised. "So I have been like a love-sick puppy the entire weekend, thinking about how I made you feel."

"Like a fool"

"Hm?"

"That's how you made me feel by kissing me and then dating someone else" There was a painful silence and I almost regretting to ruin the harmony between us.

"I'm sorry, I was scared" He sighed. "I still am, you're my only fucking friend. But you get me and I want more than that" I nodded, getting what he was saying. I was scared of losing him too. "Losing you would crush me" He was suddenly looking like a lost child so I left my cup down and walked towards to his bed where I wrapped my arms around him.

"I told you already - we will be fine" I said and he leaned into my hug, resting his head against my shoulder. Of course he was scared of feeling this type of love, he never had something like this, torn between two parties that were calling themselves family but that never really understood him, constant worry, constant overthinking, low self esteem.

"I know I'm not easy to handle but I will try to change"

"Don't be silly, Jean" I smiled gently. "You're my best friend" He nodded and I kissed his lips shortly, continuing to hold him. It was pretty late and I knew he was overwhelmed so I thought that it was time for bed. "Want to sleep in my bed?"

"Yes" He did that last night too so it wasn't alien.

We brushed our teeth and soon we were lying on the bed, the lights turned off. We heard the front door which meant Reiner and Bert were back but we didn't go to welcome them, fearing the possibility of them having sex on the hall. Again.

"So are we dating?" I asked and he smiled.

"I guess so"

"Let's go on a date"

"I'm free on Wednesday" he said. "But you have to call my secretary and make yourself an appointment" I chuckled and smacked his chest lightly. Like we sensed, the moans began in less than 10 minutes and Jean began to whisper-yell. I pulled the covers on top of us so now we had our own improvised tent.

"Do we tell them?" I asked and we answered at the same time.

"Nah"

"The sex talks would never end" he moaned and I burst into laughter, feeling my face heating a bit, at the thought of something more than kissing. I mean we haven't even kissed properly yet and my hands were sweating at the thought of that.

"No air" I said and had to get to Oxygen, with the price of torturing my ears. "They're horrible" I said and Jean chuckled.

"We should yell at them to shut up"

"No, they would do twice as bad" I said and he sighed.

"We're damned" I turned on the side, getting a little closer and buried my face in his neck, enjoying the warmth. "Sleepy?" I nodded. "Good night" When he said that the reality hit me and I couldn't calm my racing heart that was aching with so many emotions; he was really holding me now.

"Night"


	9. Neuf

                “I can’t make it to lunch anymore” Marco said into the phone and I typed the code of the album I had to sell to the girl in front of me. I smiled at her and offered her a bag, taking the money then placing them in the counter. It was Pink Floyd.

                “Why?”

                “My mom sent me something and I have to meet a friend to take it” It was clear he was running, probably to catch the bus. “Don’t you have courses?”

                “I still have some hours” I said checking the clock on the wall behind me. “What friend?” I still regretted getting out of bed this morning; we should have spent the day at home, barely getting up to go to the bathroom.

                “A childhood friend, her name is Jude” I almost wanted to start singing but I held myself back when I saw more customers heading towards where I was standing.

                “Babe, I have to go, I’ll message you when I can, okay?” There was a dead silence for a few moments before Marco said goodbye and then hung up. After Ymir came to take my place I went to sign for the incoming items and placed them on shelves before sprinting towards the courses I still had. I had an upcoming project with the theme “Happiness” and I was having some ideas but I was not sure how I was going to put every idea together.

                Everyone was as bored as me during that two hours course and as much as I wanted I couldn’t text Marco because the teacher was a snake who could see through walls and he wasn’t pleased at all to see anyone using their phone. I sighed and rested my head against my hand, staring nowhere in particular. I was still high on what happened the day before, that was the matter and now I was like a love-sick puppy that couldn’t wait until he got home to see his loved one. I could barely believe that I was going home to my boyfriend, it was new and exciting and even if we decided to keep it down at least for a longer while, all I wanted was to talk about it all day long.

                It was dark outside when the whole college thing was done I hurried home, knowing we could enjoy at least a couple of hours until the lovebirds were back. I didn’t bother to knock on the door, I simply got in and I was ready to shout “Marco” when I saw pink shoes on the hall and shut my mouth. _Okaaay._ I dropped my backpack next to the opened package that was also on the hall and opened the door towards the kitchen, finding Marco inside with a girl. She was looking like a high school sweetheart from the 90’s, with big curls falling to her shoulders and dressed in a white shirt and a skirt with plaids on it, a pink one. Thick eyeliner, pretty figure, a hand on top of Marco’s that retreated once she saw me. Marco smiled at me widely when he saw me and I raised a hand.

                “Hello” I said and the girl looked at me with big eyes, judging.

                “Hi! I’m Jude!” I thought he was supposed to meet her at noon, now it was almost 5:30 PM, no biggie. I almost felt badly after a couple of seconds of her staring at my septum.

                “This is Jean, my... roommate” he said and I smiled bitterly at the word. Roommate, yes. “Want some tea?” He offered and I nodded, getting my jacket off.

                “What do you study?” I told her, photography. “Nice, Marco’s gonna be a doctor one day” I already knew that and a couple more things that she didn’t. “Mrs. Bodt is very proud” That got my attention – so she knew his mother. Of course she did, they were childhood friends. That hand sneaked on top of Marco’s again, right after he poured the tea and Marco jumped a little, startled by the touch.

                “So you two...” I looked at her daring.

                “I’ve been Marco’s best friend when we were in middle school” _Fascinating_. If she wasn’t right in front of me I would have rolled my eyes so far back into my skull that they wouldn’t have managed to come back. “I was actually thinking we were gonna marry back then” Okay, that was all she had to say for me to grin sarcastically at her.

                “Can I talk to you in private?” I asked Freckles and he got up at the same time as I did, excusing ourselves. As soon as we closed the door of our bedroom I pressed a hard chaste kiss on his lips, earning a small moan. I began to kiss down his chin and neck when he pushed me away gently.

                “Jean, stop” I was sucking a patch of skin when he cupped my head. “Jean” he whined. I let go.

                “Okay, it goodie-two-shoes pisses me off” I said pointing towards where the kitchen was. “I don’t care with whom you played house when you were little but she’s too touchy and feely”

                “Well, she can’t find out about us” I wasn’t ready to come out to the whole word just yet but his words fell on me like ice-cold water and I stepped back, a little confused. He probably saw right through me because he felt the need to continue. “Jean, my father’s a priest” I nodded and went closer, I needed to understand. He rested his forehead against mine and I breathed out long.

                “I know” I said. “Will she be here for more?”

                “I hope not” He chuckled and kissed my cheek before getting out. I went to take a shower and then changed my clothes, turning on my laptop and getting ready to play something online with Sasha. I knew I was in the wrong but I really needed to talk with somebody about this.

                “Sash” I said, pausing the game and opening her Skype window, seeing her concentrated look, big headphones on. She looked at me with an annoyed face. “I’m dating Marco” Her mouth was shaped as an “o” before I almost lost my hearing.

                “WHAT?” Yep, I was expecting that. Pure shock was written all along her figure. “Since when? How?” She was yelling so I turned the volume down.

                “He doesn’t have to know you know and you can’t tell anyone about it.”

                “Not even Connie?”

                “Not even Connie” I whispered. “It sort of just... happened” Saying it went naturally was a little pushed but I didn’t have the time to explain everything.

                “So you’re gay?” I groaned, I couldn’t tell just yet what I was, he was the only exception so far, I never saw another guy interesting, I couldn’t imagine myself dating another male. “How’s it going?”

                “Fine. Good. Amazing” I hurried and she chuckled.

                “Congrats, horse, you actually found yourself someone who isn’t a total bitch. For once, I don’t want to high-five that person with a chair in the face” I burst into laughter and the door opened so I widened my eyes at Sasha when he came closer to me.

                “She’s gone.” He looked at the screen. “Hi, Sasha! Beating Jean’s ass?” She nodded and chuckled, giving him thumbs up. “Good, don’t feed his already big ego” I showed him my tongue and closed the game, saying goodbye to Potato Girl.

                “Don’t mean to intrude but your choice in friends was poor back in the days” I said and he slapped my chest playfully, giggling – what a nice sound.

                “It didn’t improve much, look at you” He said and wrapped his arms around my shoulders, leaning for a peck. That charming bastard. I rolled my eyes but didn’t continue, knowing we could keep it on like that forever. As much as I liked holding hands and hugging and cuddling and pecking, there were a few more things I wanted to do with Young Master Bodt so I nuzzled his cheek teasingly.

                “Marco?” He raised both his brows, his cheeks slightly flushed. “Lean your head a little to the right” He did, still confused and I leaned mine to the left. He probably realized what we were going to do because his blush deepened and his ears got red. “Follow my lead” I whispered low enough so only he could hear. I kissed him gently, brushing my lips against his in a slow manner until my tongue began to beg for entrance and he opened his mouth, letting me explore his insides. His tongue was curiously slipping against mine, shyly at first but more courageous which each heartbeat and he moaned in my mouth when they intertwined. The kiss was sloppy but that didn’t matter at all, we were gonna improve our techniques, I was sure of that. His hands grabbed at my shirt and slowly but surely he ended in my lap so I circled my arms around his waist, pulling him closer. Hot tongues, hair pulling, moaning. I was feeling like a junkie who needed his dose.

                When we pulled apart he rested his head on my shoulder, breathing hardly.

                “I like this” He muttered and I chuckled, running my fingers through his curls.

                “That’s good, I like it too” He smiled and looked up, gulping and gaining courage to initiate another kiss, one that made me fall on my back and put him in the position of straddling me. I answered eagerly until a loud thump was heard, followed by a yell.

                “BERT! MARCO IS ON TOP OF JEAN!” Reiner’s face was gold; it was too bad I didn’t have a camera around because I wanted that image forever. Marco jumped off me at first but when he saw the bulky blonde he stared at me and we both burst into laughter. Berthold appeared out of nowhere, looking like a fish on land.  

                “What the fuck?!” he whispered and the answer was the same. Reiner stepped closer.

                “You guys have some explaining to do. Also, Bert, you owe me 10$” Marco gasped at that. Those bastards. “We’ll be waiting in the kitchen” I was feeling like I was scolded by the teacher but I was not even sorry so when they left I continued to laugh.

                “Here goes our secret” My freckled boy said and offered me his hand on our way to the kitchen. It was a funny conversation; we tried to figure out together how this happened because honestly, we were as confused as they were. I never started with this thought – that one day we will be together and I was sure Marco didn’t either, it somehow came to us later. They promised they wouldn’t tell just yet but I knew it only took a drink for them to spread the rumour, not that I could stop that.

                Back in our room we settled for my bed this time and once we laid down Marco rested his head on my chest. It was nice, it was not even near our sleeping time but sitting in silence and enjoying each other’s presence was enough for now.

                “Sooner than later people are gonna find out” I said, betting on sooner.

                “I know. I just... I know how my parents are going to react” He whispered back and I kissed his head. His father was not the sweetest and neither were my folks so we were standing on the same position. A few more minutes passed, just synchronised breathing and heartbeats. “Jean?”

                “Hmm?” He raised his head and looked me straight in the eye with a softness hard to describe.

                “Today, on the phone...” He began to play with my shirt which could only mean he was nervous. “You called me babe” I wasn’t aware of that but the name fit – he was a freckled babe.

                “You don’t like it?” I asked, beginning to feel nervous myself. Everything was simply too new. He got beet red.

                “I do” I smirked – so he wanted me to keep calling him that, to spoil him. I rolled my eyes.

                “Dork”

                “Shut up” he chuckled and I pulled him closer for a short kiss. “You’re a bigger dork than me” He said and I chuckled, continuing to rub his head in a calming manner.

 


	10. Dix

                The camera clicked and I frowned at it before beginning to make faces, knowing Jean was capturing every moment. The first real date we were having – it was at a carnival and I just went to buy some cotton candy before deciding where we should go next. For such a bad-ass looking guy, he was extremely afraid of mountagne russes and no matter how much I begged he wouldn’t go with me on one. I couldn’t remember the last time being with someone made me so happy, it was new and exciting and it made me feel braver. I offered him his pink sweet and he took a big bite of it, turning his face into a sticky mess.

                It was still cold outside but for this time of the year the place was crowded but we lost ourselves in the crowd easily, among the other couples. His blonde hair was sticking out from the red beanie and his cheeks were red, showing he was healthy and alive. I, on the other side, had a Rudolf nose and a silly grin which he couldn’t stop photographing.

                “What next?” He asked, grabbing my fingers with his free hand, leading me forward towards nothing in particular. I was looking around with big eyes, wondering what I wanted next and spotted a carousel with horses big enough even for us to ride them.

                “That one” I said and he grinned, seeing what I was staring at. He didn’t refuse – that was one of the things I loved about Jean, unless it was something deeply personal – like his fears, he never said no, no matter how childish things were. He was not afraid of doing something that might look bad in the eyes of others, even if he was fairly vain. We went to buy our tickets and soon we were on different horses, mine in front of his black one, going round and round and laughing while little children were having their own horses and their parents were looking at us disapproving.  

                When the ride was done he tried to win me something but as bad as he was with games he was a sore loser and I had to win something for him so he wouldn’t look like a grumpy cat for the rest of the evening. When he chose the prize it was a dolphin and he took it, flusher than usually, when I offered it to him, holding it under his arm for the rest of the night.

                “It’s almost midnight, we should go to the wheel already” I said, looking at the most outstanding thing in the entire carnival. It was huge and I bet we could see the entire town from up there.

                “Let’s go” he pulled me in the crowd, where I had to take a big breath to resist. I was claustrophobic ever since I was five or six and a friend trapped me in a closet. I could remember crying my soul out for more than an hour once I got out and the feeling somehow stood with me until this day. I tried to focus on the warm hand but once we were next to the long row I realized my breathing was hitched and I was trembling hard enough to look like I was shivering. He was ready to go buy the tickets when he turned around and stopped in tracks, his face changing into a picture of worry.  “Marco, did anything happen?” I shook my head, trying to focus on looking fine.

                It wasn’t just the crowd now, it’s been slowly burning all day long but I guess this walk filled the glass and now I was close to a full panic-attack. My knees were shaking and he sighed so he pulled me aside until I was able to rest against a cold wall.

                “What’s going on?” he asked and rested his hand on my neck.

                “Nothing” I said and curled into a ball, my knees reaching my chin before he mirrored my position, watching me with worried honey eyes. “I’m claustrophobic” I finally said and he furrowed his brows, staring intently at me. It was rare to see Jean Kirschtein lose his words so I smiled, still breathing hitched.

                “Do you want to go home?” I shook my head, I really wanted to ride that wheel with him, I’ve been looking forward to it. “Let me go buy some water for you” His tone was gentle and I felt my heartbeat increasing when I stopped him by tugging his sleeve.

                “Stay here for a moment” I was surprised when he got closer and felt my skin heating all over when he pushed me in his arms, making me lose my balance and fall awkwardly on him. After a few movements I was sitting on his lap and he was on the ground, back resting against the wall. I sighed, knowing we probably drew attention but buried my face in his shoulder, listening to his breathing.

                “It’s okay, Freckles” he cooed and ran his fingers through my hair, a thing he liked to do a lot, with every chance. We stood like that for a while, until I regained my strength and I was ready to get up. “Better?” The question was asked when I began to move up.

                “Yes, thank you” I pressed a soft peck on his lips and he took my hand in his on the way to the line. People were staring at us, some with judgemental looks on but Jean didn’t seem to care so I tried to be like that too, feeling enthusiastic about the ride. It was a 20 minutes ride because it stopped on top and I couldn’t wait to see the city in the night and let him take some photos – he was really talented with the camera. I guess people got bored by waiting in line because we got an entire booth for ourselves and we sat next to the glass, waiting for it to move.

                “VIP seats” Jean said and I chuckled, shaking my head.

                “It’s pretty good” His hand was covering mine while he grabbed the camera with the other and asked me to smile. I grinned at him then stuck my tongue out, letting him snap more pictures. “Let’s take one together” He complied and took a few before we reached the top, when we got on our feet to see everything better.

                “Wow” he whispered and rested his head against my shoulder easily, as I was a bit taller. “It looks beautiful” We took a few more pictures and then sat down, knowing we had around 5 more minutes stuck there. It’s been a really nice day, in fact it was one of the happiest days I could remember. I woke up in the same bed with him, we had breakfast together and after a too-long hour of studying we decided to prepare for our date. It was silly, really, because we asked each other what clothes will fit – I guess, that’s how it was going to be as we were living together and now, here we were, on top of the world, still holding hands.

                “It’s been a very nice date, Jean” I whispered in the dark, hoping he couldn’t see how flustered I was. He didn’t reply right away, he cupped my head and leaned for a kiss. His lips were still feeling rough but the movements were gentle, especially when his warm tongue gently brushed mine, earning a small moan. The kiss ended with smiles on both parts and he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me for a hug.

                “I want a second one”

                “No third one?” I teased and he chuckled, grabbing my hand and bringing it to his mouth to kiss my knuckles. I was feeling pride in being the only one knowing this soft side of him.

                “I’ll think about it” He said with a huge grin and I rolled my eyes, knowing he didn’t mean it. We stood in silence until our booth reached the ground, knowing we didn’t need words, feeling was enough. As I stepped on the ground I felt pretty bad because I knew it all came to an end but kept this insecurity to myself, knowing it was silly because I had Jean with me almost 24/7. I realized he was talking to me only when I heard my name.

                “Hm?”

                “I asked if you want to eat somewhere or pick something on the way home”

                “Either way is fine” I replied and he decided we would better pick some pizza on the way home and eat it while watching a movie. He promised we would go at a fancy dinner sometimes so I couldn’t stay mad at him and let him pick a movie.

                The days went by smoothly, we were acting like we did until we got together, the only difference being the kissing and the fact that we were sleeping in the same bed. Reiner and Berthold were pushing all our buttons with their “subtleties” that made me wanna hide and never see another human again. We’ve been invited to Mikasa’s birthday party on a weekend and as it was going to be a rather intimate party – with close friends only, we decided that was the perfect moment in which we could tell everyone we were dating. The thought of telling anyone about our relationship was stressing me out but it had to be done once and for all. We put money with the others and got Mikasa a nice gift, though I was sure she was gonna love it the most after Eren offered it to her.

                “How do I look?” Asked Jean, showing me a black shirt and a dark pair of jeans. He looked like a bad boy but he already knew that so I went closer and straightened his collar.

                “Hot” He burst into laughter and kissed my nose. I was dressed simple too but no matter what I did I couldn’t win his attitude so I was looking like always. “Do you want me to call a cab?” We shared one with Reiner and Bert and once we got there we told them to not say anything before we were ready.

                We danced a little and even if I wasn’t an alcohol-person I needed a few drinks, mostly punch because beer was too bitter for me and soon my vision got blurry and I began to feel really needy. I don’t know what got into me but every cell in my body needed to be close to Jean so my eyes began searching around for a blonde head on top of a stain of black. He was in a small group of people talking, some of them I didn’t know but my brain didn’t see a problem in that so I approached them and wrapped my arms around his middle, resting my head between his shoulder blades and startling him a bit. I heard Eren muttering a “what the fuck” but I couldn’t care less, I couldn’t think straight. I almost giggled at the thought and when my breath fell on his neck he turned around completely and my mouth crushed on his, taking it into a heated kiss. Our tongues were brushing gently when he pushed me away gently, a confused look on his face.

                “Sorry” I almost moaned and he widened his eyes, a slight heat rising to his cheeks. He covered his face with a hand and took a big breath before grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the small balcony that was temporarily empty.

                “What the fuck?” He asked as soon as the door closed and cupped my head with both hands, pulling me closer for another kiss that turned out to be a make out session. He pressed me against the glass door and once his lips began to trail my neck I moaned, bumping my head against the coldness behind me. He sucked on my skin and I felt my knees weaken – it was not the first time he gave me hickeys but every time he did so I felt something warm pooling in my abdomen. When his fingers brushed against my clothed crotch I suddenly opened my eyes, looking down to see what was going on.

                “Jean” I moaned and he kissed me again, hurried.

                “You’re so hot” He whispered and I felt my member hardening against his touch.

                “Stop” I muttered, thinking about the fact that anyone could see me but he didn’t stop so I had to grab his hand with mine. “Not here” My breathing was hitched and he stopped for a moment, a little pained. He was probably feeling rejected. “I-It’s not that...” I took a big breath. “It’s not that I don’t want you, it’s just n-not the place” I mumbled and placed my hand on his neck. He nodded and I leaned for a gentle kiss, that deepened until someone knocked in the glass, making me jump and Jean laugh. It was Connie who looked at us with a wide-opened mouth. I fumbled to open the door and the sound he made was inhuman.

                “WHAT THE FUCK?” I felt myself blushing and Jean chuckled.

                “Uhm.. surprise?” He said and rubbed Connie’s bald head, trying to get inside but not fast enough because the passing was blocked.

                “You’re a thing now?” he was gesticulating between the two of us and I nodded first, biting my lower lip because the place was still spinning around. “I need a drink” He left and as we made our way towards the improvised bar I expected a lot more questions but no one jumped on us, probably feeling that we wouldn’t feel comfortable with that. I could breathe properly by the time we went home, our friends were subtle but they figured things out quickly. Eren was the only one scowling at us, making me feel uncomfortable but I was pleasantly surprised because Jean didn’t get in a fight with him because of that. I was proud of him.

                I can’t remember when we got home but we were a mess and had a lot of sloppy kisses before going to sleep in Jean’s bed. I remember his fingers playing with my locks until slumber got to him and he blacked out.

                A familiar ring made me snap my eyes open and just then I have realized my mouth was as dry as the Sahara desert. I needed a glass of water soon but I couldn’t go and have some because my phone was the one ringing and it was – _Mom?_ It was unusual for her to call me in the mornings because she didn’t know my schedule over the day. I pressed the green dot and Jean opened his eyes confused so I pressed my index against my lips to tell him he should shut it.

                “Good morning!” I said and was surprised at my hoarse voice.

                “Morning? It’s 11” _Oh_. Jean turned his back to me, snuggling his pillow under his head and I got up, making my way towards the kitchen. Reiner and Bert haven’t made it home last night. “Your father is furious, Marco”

                “Huh?” What did my father have to do with the fact that I woke up late?

                “I can’t believe this is happening, Marco, what is going on inside your head? Jude showed us” At this point I was really really confused so I took a big breath and asked what was going on. “Jude called me this morning and showed me some pictures posted on Facebook with you. With you and Jean”

                As soon as I heard Jean’s name my heartbeat increased and I felt the start of a panic attack. I hurried towards the laptop, slamming the door behind me and Jean got up.

                “What the fuck?” He asked but I ignored him, logging in as soon as possible. My mother was still talking but I couldn’t manage to understand the words she was forming, too concentrated to see what was going on. Some dude I barely knew posted a picture of our group, a picture in which Jean was kissing me on my mouth, oblivious to what was going on. I couldn’t remember when it was took either but now I wanted the earth to eat me completely. I dropped the phone and felt the blood being drained from my face, feeling the shivering begin and pulling on my shirt that was suffocating.

                My parents were very conservative, I was sure the least they could do was disown me. They were going to keep me out, not let me see Angello. Everything in my life was crushing before my eyes and all that because I finally find someone I loved. I was barely breathing when I felt some weight on my shoulders and realized they were Jean’s hands. His voice was echoing but I couldn’t properly listen. Soon my back was pressed against something warm and there were whispers in the air.

                “Take a big breath, try to focus on my breathing, breathe with me” I sobbed and felt a soft kiss on the back of my neck. “You’re doing so good, baby” he continued and grabbed my hands in his. “That’s it” My hyperventilation went down after a few more minutes but the panic was still there, ready to explode in any moment. “What’s going on?” I shuddered at the question and looked down at the phone that I dropped.

                “My parents, t-they...” I pointed to the laptop’s screen and as soon as he found us in the picture he gasped.

                “Oh shit!” he shouted. “FUCK!” He continued and rubbed his face, distressed. In that moment I was sure everything was lost – of course he was going to react like that. He didn’t need extra baggage, he could have anyone he wanted so when tears began to slide down my cheeks I wasn’t very surprised. “No, Marco!” he whispered and came back to hug me to his chest. “Don’t cry”

                He was gonna leave me too. I was going to be all alone. Long fingers caressed my cheeks.

                “We’ll figure things out” he said hurried. “Fuck, it sucks but we’ll figure things out” His rough lips pressed against my forehead and another hug followed, one that lasted enough to calm me down. Only then I have realized my phone has been ringing this whole time and when I picked it up I saw the screen was cracked. “Don’t answer now”

                “I can’t ignore them” I whispered.

                “We need a strategy before talking to them” he said and rejected the call. “Let’s take a shower to clear our minds” His suggestion didn’t seem half as bad so I went first, trying to wash the bad thoughts off. Jean was not running away, that was a very good start because I couldn’t face this alone. At this point, all I wanted was to run away with him somewhere were such problems didn’t exist, where everyone approved of us and where they couldn’t interfere.

                They were gonna yell at me about sin, about how I was hurting them because of someone I barely knew but they had no idea how I was feeling. Jean made me happy.

                When I got out I changed in a fresh change of clothes and waited for him to have his time in the bathroom while I made some coffee. The phone wasn’t ringing anymore which gave me courage but I was still shaking, still unsure of what I was going to do. The only argument I had were my feelings.

                When Jean took his cup of coffee and took me I woke up from the thoughts I was having, taking a moment to admire the sight. With wet hair and casual house wear, he was looking stunning but tensed. We didn’t say anything for a while, not until his foot rubbed against mine, distracting me.

                “Hey” his voice was kind, very unlike him. “We’ll be alright, no matter what happens, they will always love you” I gulped and nodded, accepting his hand on mine. “Of course something like this would happen as soon as we get together” He said sarcastic and I sketched a smile.

                “Bad luck”

                “That’s my middle name” He said and I rolled my eyes.

                “They’re two”

                “Never been good at math” At this I let out a chuckle and he grinned, getting closer to kiss my cheek. “That’s the Freckles I know” The door bell rang, startling both of us and Jean burst into laughter, getting up. “Those losers probably lost their keys, wait” He walked towards the door and groaned when the ringing persisted. Faster steps. Key turned. Opened door. But no sound, which was curious because the guys were even louder when they had a hangover. I furrowed my brows and got up, ready to see what was going on.

                As soon as I saw who was standing at the door I gasped.

                “ _Dad?”_


	11. Onze

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one has a sinful part so enjoy *evil laugh* I might go to hell with no regrets

“I would like to talk to my son. Inside” Mr. Bodt was not the most pleasant man, I knew that ever since he threw those hard words at me but seeing him stand outside my door gave me shivers and something inside my brain yelled at me to be nice. I stepped aside and let him come in, ignoring the fact that he didn’t get his shoes off at the entrance. I mumbled a sir but he didn’t look at me, instead he reached Marco and grabbed him by the arm, pushing him towards the living room and closing the door in my face. 

“Calm down, Jean” I whispered to myself, trying to hide the redness of my skin by breathing in long before opening the door and letting myself inside. Marco was terrified, I could see it in his eyes and I wanted to go over and at least hold his hand but I knew that would make things worse. “I have a right to be here” I said, my voice pretty low. The man’s head turned to look at me and I could read the hate and rage clear in his eyes, very different from Marco’s worried browns. 

“I have nothing to talk with you” 

“Okay” I muttered but didn’t leave, wanting to be there in case Freckles needed me. It started with a sigh and I closed my eyes, trying to focus on Marco’s wellness. 

“Marco, explain yourself” The boy looked at me alarmed and then back at his father, trying to compose himself. It was way too soon, we haven’t even talked about what to say or what we were gonna do.

“Jean and I are dating” was all he managed to say and the words fell hard in silence. Mr. Bodt shifted his body on the couch and I tensed, being ready to jump in case he would go towards Marco. 

“What is this foolishness? I taught you better than this, I will not accept a faggot in my family. I see you can’t manage to live by yourself so I expect you to come home with me.”

“What do you mean?” Freckles’ voice was small.

“I will not give you money so you can spend it with him” He pointed to me without looking at me and felt my blood boiling. No one ever helped me with money ever since I left home and I wouldn’t have taken money from Marco even if he begged me. 

“What about college?” One of the things I loved the most about him was that his goals were high – a lot higher than mine could ever be; and he was hardworking and I bet one day he would become the best version of him. He was a hardworking student, rarely had a C so dragging him home because he was in a relationship was the stupidest idea ever. 

“If you cared so much about college you wouldn’t have wasted time with useless things. You can find a well-paid job in our hometown” The thought made me sick. _Or you could go and fuck off._

“Dad, I want to become a doctor” His voice was helpless, choking. 

“I would rather have you become a simple but respectable man rather than rich and in the wrong” He was obviously referring to me so I felt the need to intervene.

“Marco is brilliant, that has nothing to do with our relationship” I was trying really hard to keep calm but when he ignored me I got up and went to sit next to Marco. “Don’t you hear me? He is brilliant!” My tone was raised and Marco turned to me, alarmed.

“Jean, don’t –“ 

“Don’t what? Are you kidding me? He wants to destroy your fucking life” I yelled and he grabbed my hand in his tightly but I retreated mine, not wanting to calm down. “Do you really hate me that much?” I couldn’t understand his dumb hatred – what have I done so wrong beside trying to love his son?

“Homosexuality is a sin but I don’t expect you to understand” Of course – because I was the devil with my weird hair and my black clothes and my pierced face. 

“What do you fucking know about Marco?” I shouted and he got up, ready to come closer to me and probably grab me by the throat. “It’s his choice, he’s a human being not a dog you can commend around” 

“I made him what he is today” he groaned and came dangerously closer. 

“You’re his dad! That’s what parents fucking do and they don’t expect anything back!” That was the last drop so he grabbed the front of my shirt and pulled me closer, forcing me on my tiptoes. Marco grabbed his hands, trying to unclasp them from me and I resisted, looking him in the face.

“You destroyed him”

“That’s not true” That was Marco and we both turned towards him. “I chose to be with him, I want to stay here” he whispered and Mr. Bodt let me go slowly, turning to him.

“It’s a deathly sin, unforgivable, Marco. I want to talk with you only” When he said that I was ready to say I won’t when I saw Freckles’ eyes begging me to do as I was told and sighed. I told him I would be in the next room if he needed me and saluted politely the man one more time, knowing we wouldn’t meet anytime soon, not that I complained. I tried to keep my mind busy but it kept going back to what was going on in the next room and it was stressing the shit out of me. I knew Marco wouldn’t ask for help with that even if he needed and I could get it because it was his fight to carry with his father and it was his life on the line. I couldn’t believe what was going on, though; the man was delusional for having such a reaction. 

I began pacing around the room, checking my phone several times to find nothing and then pacing around some more. As thin as the walls were in the apartment – thin enough to hear Reiner and Berthold having sex every time – I couldn’t hear shit right now and it was frustrating. I texted the guys to find something to do until later because there were some complicated stuff going on and they replied with a simple “ok”. As embarrassing as they were at times, you could count on them in certain situations. Forever passed until the door opened and Marco came in with a very very tired look on his face. At first he stepped towards me but he changed the route and sat on my bed as I was laying in his. 

“He expects me home by Friday” he said and I widened my eyes, not sure if I heard right. 

“You’re not going, are you?” No answer. “Don’t fuck with me, Marco!” I shouted, beginning to panic. I looked him straight in the eye, trying to get a reaction but all he did was to look down in his lap. “I can’t believe you.” I swear I saw red. “You fucking coward!” I yelled and straightened my back. He looked up, his face a picture of pain and in that moment I realized I over-stepped.

“What do you want me to do?”

“Fight for your life” I mumbled, still angry. “I can’t do everything for you, I can’t fight everyone in your life for you” His eyes snapped shut and when he opened them his eyebrows furrowed.

“You have such a good opinion about yourself, Jean! Maybe you’re too good for me!”

“You know what? Maybe I am because you’re a fucking pussy and I feel like I’m doing everything on my own!” The words were filled with venom but once they exited my mouth there was no way to take them back. _Awesome, Jean, you’re the best_. I rubbed my head anxiously – he was attacked by everyone around him, including me now. Chocolate orbs watched me incredulous and he smiled sarcastically. 

“Okay” Was all that he said and stared at me. I didn’t know what he meant by that but it sure wasn’t good because the pain was still there and the sigh that followed was the sound of a man who gave up. I knew I should have apologized, I knew I was supposed to make things better but instead I buried my face in the pillow and remained like that for a while, my brain all over the place. I probably fell asleep because I was very disorientated once I heard a loud thump and got up at an instant, hoping I had a very bad dream and my reality was untouched. I looked around and saw Marco with a big box in his arms. “Sorry, I dropped a book” 

“’s okay” I mumbled and realized there were stuff disappearing from our shelves. “What are you doing?”

“Packing” he said simply as if it was the most normal thing going on. “I already told Reiner and Bert I am moving out, I’ll pay the rent until you find someone else” he was calm but I couldn’t have any of that, brought back to the real facts by his words. 

“What about us?” My voice was small, almost shy. I was not sure I wanted to know. He left the things he was holding down and turned around to watch my face. 

“It was a beautiful dream, Jean” He smiled and I gulped, wanting to yell at him to stop. I wanted to beg him not to leave me, to tell him I needed him, that we were meant to met and make things better. He made me so happy, of course it wouldn’t last. I got up and felt my chest area hurt but went to sit next to him and took his hand in mine. It felt warm, like always and I closed my eyes, trying to absorb his presence. “Stop it” he whispered but I rested my head on his shoulder.

“I am sorry, don’t leave” 

“You’re making harder” I wanted to make it hard enough so he wouldn’t leave. 

“Babe” I whispered and felt his body began to shiver so I pulled him in a hug. I wrapped my arms around him tightly and held him pressed against me, deciding I would him decide when he wanted to let go. He was shaking like a beaten dog, his head buried in my neck and I caressed his back gently, trying to calm him down. “I’m sorry, I don’t believe shit I’ve said” I was hot-headed, it was one of my worst traits. 

“I know” he said. “I don’t know what to do” I took a big breath.

“We can figure this out” I said, still touching his back before he looked at me confused. “Don’t go back” 

“They won’t give me money anymore, Jean” he whined and I sighed. Money wasn’t everything, they could be made, I knew that better than anyone else because I had to work my ass off for college ever since it started.

“Look – I have a bank account in which I keep my savings that we can use. You can look for a job and I’ll keep working and we’ll manage it somehow. I’ll pay your side of rent until you get your first salary” I said and he frowned.

“I won’t use your money” 

“Money doesn’t mean shit to me, Marco! I’ve been saving for situations like this one, I don’t want your life ruined, for God’s sake. You’ll make it up to me when you’ll be a rich and famous doctor” For the first time in forever he smiled and I put a strand of overlong hair behind his ear. 

“The college fee is too much” 

“We’ll seek a bank, as friends, I don’t know, we’ll manage it somehow. Please” I knew he wasn’t the kind of guy to rely on other’s money but I wasn’t just anyone. It wasn’t just because I wanted our relationship to continue, it was out of friendship because I wanted the best for him and he had potential and devotion. 

“You’re basically telling me to run away with you” he said and I chuckled.

“Run away in the same room in the same apartment” He laughed, a raspy sound and I pursed my lips. “Kinda lame” I looked over to see the things he already packed and decided we should take care of those tonight, before going to sleep. He was anxious, not sure if he should tell them what he decided or not give any sign. I told him he should tell his mother because she deserved to know and so did Alessandro. We talked to the guys too, after putting everything back in place and Reiner almost broke the table with his fist when he heard what his father asked. 

“That’s some fucked up shit” Berthold decided, offering each of us beers. Marco refused his and went to make some tea. 

“I know” I mumbled. I couldn’t be rude – it was still his father after all. “Do you guys have plans tonight?”

“I’m taking this sweet ass to Latino dancing” Reiner said and all of us burst into laughter. 

“Are you feeling extra gay today?” Marco asked and we continued to laugh for a while – an empowering and freeing sentiment. I was feeling like I’ve just won a war. 

We settled for a quiet night at home so I built a fort and downloaded some Disney movies before making sure we had our favourite snacks and invited Marco who’s been studying until then. He looked cute when concentrated so I went closer to him to kiss his temple and look over the alien things he was studying there.

“You’re so smart” I said flirtatious.

“One of us must be” He had a brick face so I burst into laughter and then scowled at him, making him apologize. We crawled inside our fort and played rock, paper, scissors until we decided on Lion King and played the movie. He was resting against me, playing with my fingers and just then I realized we haven’t had much contact today, not ever since the boogie man left. He was concentrated on the screen and I picked up a Bounty I began to chew on, as silent as possible. “I want some too”

I offered him the bar with my free hand and he bit it, looking at me. I don’t know if that was the intention but he looked pretty hot while doing so. The chocolate melted on my fingers and he saw it because he brought my index and middle finger to his lips, licking them clean. 

“What the fuck?” I muttered incredulous and he grinned, innocently, returning to his movie. He was not freckled Jesus, he was the devil and my pants began to feel uncomfortable in a certain area. I leaned to nuzzle his ear but didn’t break his concentration so I bit it gently, making him turn his head to me.

“Can I help you?”

“You might” I said and he chuckled when I pushed him on his back on the pillows, getting on top of him. “Tease” I said and leaned to kiss him, properly this time, licking his lips before letting my tongue explore. His lips were soft, unlike mine and he was tasting of chocolate, coconut and the sweet flavour that was Marco. My hands left his face and neck and sneaked under the hem of his shirt slowly because I was waiting for approval. My knee bent so now it was rubbing the sensitive spot between his legs and he moaned in my mouth, long and needy. “What’s the matter, baby? You don’t like to be teased?” 

I slowly retreated from the kiss and watched his flushed face, deciding I wanted to see those lips swollen because of me. He shook his head and I grinned. 

“Jean” he moaned and I gulped, going for another kiss, this one sloppier, feeling a little drop of saliva escaping our mouths and running down his chin. His arms pulled me closer and his hips buckled against the pressure, wanting more. I ran my tongue over his teeth and bit his lip rather harshly before licking my way down his neck where I could see the ghost of a hickey I made not so much time ago.

“Can I get your shirt off?” I asked and he stopped, a little worried, his pupils dilated. 

“Yes” he gulped and I decided to get mine off first so he would feel more comfortable. My skin was terribly pale, I was one of those kids who got burnt at the beach and needed tones of sun protection but that was not what he kept staring at. His eyes where settled on my left nipple which was pierced and had a bar of silver in it. His fingers reached the small balls at the ends and he opened his eyes. “I had no idea” 

“It’s not a big deal” I grinned and he tugged on it, sending shivers directly to my groin.

“Does it hurt?” It hurt like shit when it was done.

“Not anymore” I said and kissed his lips gently, making them open for me once again. Making out with Marco might’ve been my favourite hobby, I liked it more than photography. His hands grabbed my shoulders and my fingers made their way downwards, rubbing the obvious bulge on his pants. I couldn’t figure out for sure how big he was but he seemed... hung enough so I kept teasing that part tantalizing, enjoying the whimpers and moans in my mouth. “Shirt, baby” I reminded him and he nodded, helping me up when I began to peel the material covering his upper body. When he was done he didn’t lay back, he hid his face in my neck, sucking violet spots on my skin. He was extremely freckled, even on his chest and his nipples were pert and attractive, making me want to touch them and tease him. 

I circled one with my index and he moaned my name against my skin. At this point, I was leaking in my boxers. I pinched the perky skin and was surprised when he moaned louder, stopping what he was doing. 

“You like that?” I asked already knowing the answer and pinching the other one too, making buckle his hips against my knee. 

“Please, Jean” he moaned and I smiled, leaning to peck his lips. 

“Please what?” I never pleasured another guy but if he was so sensitive when it came to his nipples I was sure he would enjoy my mouth so I brushed my lips against the right one, forcing him on his back. My tongue swiped gently around it and while my fingertips teased the other and when I bit it he arched his back, looking at me with half-closed eyes, his mouth opened. “You like it rough, baby?” he nodded and I bit harder on the other, making him cry out. I was surprised when he grabbed my arms and pushed me on a side, rubbing his now-obvious erection against my hip. 

“Pants” he said huskily in my ear and I looked at him confused. 

“Huh?” 

“Get your pants off, please” I widened my eyes but did like I was told and was surprised when he did that himself, getting in a sitting position. He had Superman boxers but his size stole the show by far as they were see-through from all the precum he’s been dripping. He didn’t wait at all, he crawled into my lap where he sat, his legs placed around me in a certain manner, so our crotches were touching. When they did so I couldn’t stop the moan escaping.

“I’ve never thought you could be so lewd” I panted, grabbing his hips to guide him against me. 

“I’m not” he moaned but I silenced his protests by pulling him for another session of making out, one in which electricity sparks flew between us and brought me closer to the peak. His skin was smooth under my fingers and I broke the kiss for a moment so I could suck on his clavicle, making him move faster. I couldn’t believe Marco and I were dry humping but it felt too good to think of that right now. I looked at him to see his full lips parted and eliciting delicious sounds while he was gazing at me, waiting for more. 

“You’re so damn beautiful” I said and he cupped my head, pulling me up for a kiss. His length pressed against me faster and forcefully and soon I moaned in his mouth, feeling my release approaching. “I’m gonna cum” I panted and he plunged his tongue in my mouth before my body was set on fire and I felt my release spattering inside my boxers and messing them. He continued to rub himself for a few more seconds before his body stilled and his breathing became harsher, arms wrapping around me.

Only our breathings could be heard in the room and I bet his heartbeat was as rushed as mine. He rested his head on my shoulder and I rubbed his outstanding shoulder blades gently. He turned his face to me and watched me in silence, sweaty hair stuck to his forehead. 

“We need to clean ourselves” he said but didn’t move so I kissed his hair. 

“Uh-uh” 

“That felt good” It was the first time he did something like this and when I realized that, a silly pride bloomed in my chest. “Was it okay to you?” He seemed worried.

“It was awesome” It wasn’t something to worry his pretty head about. I laid on the pillows so now he had his head resting on my chest. He tangled his legs with mine and I pulled a blanket on top of us, already feeling chilly because of the sweat. 

“Your skin is flawless” he muttered.

“Hmm?” His fingers began to draw patterns on my chest.

“Your skin is white and has no imperfections. Very different from mine” He was revering because he seemed lost in thoughts. I smiled. 

“What do you mean? Your skin is perfect” I said and he scowled at me like I was talking bullshit. “Come on, you know how hot you are!” Brown eyes widened. “Seriously, Marco? You must be the prettiest boy I’ve ever laid my eyes on” I got up, ruining our previous position. 

“That can’t be” I hate that he was unsure of himself when he was so obviously gorgeous.

“I love your freckles, your lips, your eyes” I said hurried and he blushed. He looked away and I realized what word I just said. I wasn’t going back now, not after today. “And you’re the best person I know. I love you” He blinked at me and then blushed, my words finally reaching his brain. 

“I love you too” he whispered as if it was a secret and came to kiss my lips gently. I welcomed him and ended the kiss with a smile. “Jean?”

“Hm?”

“You forgot to say I’m smarter than you” At that I burst into laughter and spanked his ass once, making him jump. 

“You little _shit_ ” His tongue showed. “Go shower already” 


	12. Douze

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being so late - college started and I am super busy so please indulge me :D thank you for reading! ♥

“I can’t believe you chose him over your family” The words were painful but not as much as my mother’s sad eyes that were following me as I looked down at my cup of hot chocolate. She wanted to talk to me too so she came in town and we went to a nice place, knowing that home Jean would have intervened.

“It’s not about choosing anyone, it’s about my life – I can’t give up college just because dad wants me to” I sighed and her hand covered my free one, forcing me to look at her. She was concerned, I was too, more than I let it show. My anxiety attacks grew more frequent and as much as I tried to focus on studying my mind kept slipping, talking to Jean became harder and he ended up getting annoyed many times a day, resulting in arguments I couldn’t stand. If our relationship didn’t work either, why was I staying? Why wasn’t I listening to my parents?

“You know he would let you keep going if you would act properly” She said and I gulped. The answer was : Jean was making me brave. As spoilt and grumpy as he was he was slowly teaching me to take my life in my own hands and become what I’ve always wanted to be. I was not repressed anymore, I didn’t need to act in a certain way or do certain things to be accepted, I was not being pushed down by just anyone, I was free. “Jean is a very nice boy but...”

“But he’s a guy” I smiled sarcastic. _Obviously_.

“It’s a deadly sin, Marco, I don’t want this life for you.” That was bullshit.

“Loving someone could never be a sin, ma’” I said and noticed the hot chocolate was getting cold already so I sipped from it, trying to avoid making contact with her eyes, knowing she was close to crying. I couldn’t understand why was this making them so angry and so sad but the guilt was still there because it was me who was making my mother cry and my dad rage. “Please don’t say that again” I had my share of worry, being brought up in such a religious environment it was natural to think of that too. I battled with my feelings for a long long time before coming to the realisation there was no going back, no way of letting Jean go just because we were of the same sex. My father’s hell kept me awake at night sometimes.

“Were you... even when he came to our house?”

“Boyfriends?” I accentuated the word. “No, but the feelings were there. We had a hard time figuring things out” I smiled at the thought. For a punk with a “no-homo” attitude, Jean probably had a hard time trying to convince himself – he pushed himself even to date someone else.

“Did anyone pick on you?” For being gay? No – our friends were pretty open minded taking in consideration we were not the only gay couple : there were also Reiner and Berthold and Ymir and Krista. I shook my head and she bit on the inside of her cheek, worried. “All I want is for you to live happily but it breaks my heart to know that you won’t come home anymore, that I won’t see you as much” Tears gathered in her eyes and I gasped.

“Don’t cry, please don’t cry” I whispered alarmed and squeezed her fingers. “You can visit me anytime, you can even stay over if you want, Ales too. I still hope dad will come around the idea” She sniffled and smiled fake at me.

“Okay” She then pursued to ask me about college and how was my new job going. I began working at a library earlier that week and I actually had to go back to work in a few hours. It was a fitting job as I enjoyed books very much but it was also tiring – you couldn’t guess how much effort you need to make to keep the place together and help the customers. But I had times when I was free and I could read or study while the customers were looking around for a pick. I told her all that and after another hour spent together we said our goodbyes, harder than I imagined and I hurried towards the bus so I could go to my new workplace.

**To: Jean**

_Going to work now. Meeting mom was okay._

            It didn’t last long to receive the reply.

**From: Jean**

_Glad._

I sighed, he was still upset then. We had a rough morning together because I was tired already and not prepared for the day ahead so I didn’t talk much which annoyed him and made him snap at me that I don’t care enough to talk to him. Shit.

**To: Jean**

_Don’t..._

I deleted the thread and soon I arrived to the place. I entered and apologized for being a little late. I was usually working with Daniel – a guy studying literature who needed money as much as me, and now he was there so I waved before beginning to undress my jacket. He was a nice guy, short blonde hair and blue eyes paired with an always big smile. I was trying to lift my mood too but he probably sensed something was wrong because he came closer, carrying a couple of new books.

“Hey Marco, what’s up?” I faked a smile and put my name tag on my shirt.

“Nothing, tired I guess. What should I do?”

“Please take care of the customers. Oh and could you find that lady the James Joyce section?” He pointed towards a tall and skinny lady dressed in black so I headed in her direction, my polite attitude on. After I showed her the way I went to the cash register. It was a lazy afternoon so while Daniel was away I decided to take my genetics book out and study the autosomal chromosomes. I was really into it so I didn’t realize when the blonde was leaning over my shoulder to see what I was reading.

“That sounds like Chinese to me” he said and I burst into laughter.

“It’s not that hard, really. Once you get used to the terms” Blue eyes were still gazing confused. “Do you want me to explain?” They were client-free so when Dan nodded I began a very short and basic genetics lesson. It was good for me because he sometimes asked questions and in that way I could check to see if I actually knew what was going on.

“Oh my fucking God, that’s complicated” He sounded just like Jean so I burst into laughter. We ended up talking more and more and I found out he was gay which was an interesting fact, not that I said anything about my relationship. It was still weird to say it out loud and it wasn’t necessarily a thing we got into. “So what are you doing later today? After we finish here, I mean” he was a little flustered so I chuckled lowly.

“Are you hitting on me?”

“Not sure myself” We both laughed out loud and he came closer to place a hand on my shoulder. “Think about it” I didn’t feel comfortable with the touch but I didn’t say anything, instead I felt a weird shudder crawling up my back and raised my head to see someone just entered the library. Jean gave me one look before turning on his heels and getting out, making my mouth drop opened. “That guy’s hot” Dan said and I got up.

“Can you cover for me for a few minutes?” After he nodded I basically ran after him and thank God the library was in a mall and he couldn’t go but downstairs. I found him at the escalators where I bumped into some people to get closer to him. “Jean!” I shouted.  He didn’t turn around so I went  closer and grabbed his arm. “Jean, wait” He got out of my hold and turned around to finally look at me.

“That’s why you’ve been avoiding me?” I sighed.

“I never –“ he rose a hand to stop me.

“Bullshit. That’s some pretty boy you got there” he spit with venom and I began to pull my hair.

“He’s not mine, don’t be absurd”

“I saw enough shit to be absurd, Marco!” he shouted and some people turned to look at us, curious. He was angry and I couldn’t stand more of this anymore so I grabbed his hand in mine, pulling him to the side. He was breathing hard and it was the result of his rage.

“Close your eyes and take a big breath” I whispered and he did. “You have anger management issues, Jean. Let’s sit down somewhere and talk” When he opened his eyes he nodded, pupils dilated as if he was drugged. I couldn’t stay a lot so we went to Starbucks and placed our orders, waiting patiently for the drinks. We chose a table near the window. “That was Daniel, we work together, there is nothing going on between us” I said slowly, as if I was dealing with a child – which was half true.

“You were very close” I groaned lowly.

“I interact with people all day long, Jean – that doesn’t mean I am cheating on you with each one of them” I explained. “You’re the only one I’m interested in but I’m having a hard time, please don’t make it harder” His hazel eyes were wide now, almost innocent, contrasting the rest of his face and his pierced skin.

“Why?” It was hard for him, who didn’t have a proper relationship with his parents to understand that side of my life.

“My parents basically disowned me, I am not allowed to see my baby brother, I am having my first serious job and I came out as gay” I said hurried and his eyes widened even more. He began to play with one of his rings on his long fingers and nodded.

“Okay. I am sorry. For this morning too, I came here to apologize” he answered and I smiled because I had a feeling about that. “I’ll try to control myself better but I’m choleric and spoiled and I want attention”

“I know” I grinned happily that we were making up. “I will try to communicate better” He scooted closer to me and brushed his fingers against my cheek and jaw. It was the first time we displayed affection in public so my heart began beating a lot more faster but I leaned to press a soft kiss on his lips, leaving him surprised. A big grin plastered on his face and he pecked my mouth again. “We’re okay?”

“I think so”

“You sell yourself cheap” I said pointing to his cafe latte and he chuckled, glancing at me flirtatious.

“Only for you, babe” He winked and I looked at my phone to see the time. “You need to go back, don’t you?” They didn’t pay me to leave. “Tell me what you want to eat tonight”

“Pizza?” We haven’t had pizza in a while. We soon parted and I went back to work, this time my mood a little brighter. Seeing Jean jealous was refreshing – it made it clear how much he cared and I couldn’t help but smile when I reached Daniel. “I’m so sorry, I’ll do your shift whenever you want” I said and bit my lip worried he wouldn’t take me seriously because I was smiling.

“It’s fine, what happened?” I was gone a good half an hour or maybe more so the guy deserved an explanation.

“The hot guy earlier...” I scratched the back of my neck.

“Don’t tell me he’s your boyfriend” I grinned and he gaped his mouth. “Wow” I got my phone out and unlocked it to show him a selfie we took at a carnival a few weeks ago. He was grinning while having an arm wrapped around my shoulder to pull me closer and I was looking at him with wide puppy eyes. “Yep, he’s hot.” His eyebrows furrowed. “Did I do something bad? He probably saw us”

“It’s okay, we’ve had a quarrel this morning so he was still sensitive” I grinned and then answered innocent questions coming from him. He backed off pretty easily, no offence taken so we worked our asses until the shift was done and the others came to replace us. We walked together to the bus station where we parted because I decided to walk my way home. It was pretty late but I wanted to clear my mind a little and I needed air so I wandered around the city, looking at the shops pointlessly and staring at other people faces. I bet I wasn’t the only one worried, the only one with problems and that somehow made me feel better, which was partly terrible. I took the longest route and ended up in front of a church near our neighbourhood. I don’t know what got into me but when I saw a woman getting out the door I decided I could go in as well, to see how it was. Maybe it was because it reminded me of home or maybe I was looking for something to soothe me but either way once I said a prayer I decided to have a confession.

I got inside the confessional booth and was relieved when I saw the priest was inside. I was not even catholic but I needed to get things off my mind.

“What can I help you with, son?” The kind tone surprised me so I cleared my throat, wondering how I should put it in words. “Is there something bothering you?”

“I’m in love with a boy, father” A few wordless moments followed and my heart threatened to run out of my chest. “My parents gave up on me because of that”

“That’s not what parents should do” Was the reply and I gulped. “You know what the church believes about homosexuals and homosexuality, boy. I don’t know what else to tell you” I felt tears gathering in my eyes and buried my face in my hands.

“But.” I gasped. But it was so beautiful. But I never felt anything like this before. But he accepts me completely and doesn’t want me to change like the others do. The priest sighed and came closer to the small window in between us - the only thing that connected us.

“Don’t let it kill you, son” At first I thought I haven’t heard him right. “God never punished love as far as I know, he only punishes lust” I blinked at him and saw a kind smile playing on his face and felt like something exploded inside me, spreading warmth all over.

“Thank you” That was the first time someone encouraged me in this direction beside friends so I felt grateful. I didn’t want things to get awkward so after he told me not to lose my faith I got outside and felt like I was breathing a new air. Things were going to be better, I was sure of that. I stopped by a donut shop and bought some for the guys, getting Jean his favourites – which were with vanilla and strawberries and then headed home, the tiredness finally washing over me. Once I opened the door I figured out they were playing videogames in our room and I smiled at the booming sound of Reiner’s laughter.

I got my shoes off and left the donuts on the kitchen counter and turned around when I heard steps coming closer and found Jean staring at me with a soft smile.

“I thought I heard the door” he said and I went closer to hug him, burying my face in his shoulder and letting him carry all my weight. “Hey” I muffled a “hey” back and he tried to part but I tightened my grip to the point at which he chuckled and grabbed my back to rise my feet off the ground and carry me to the closest chair where he sat down. I settled in his lap, still holding him. “Tired?”

“Very” I said and looked up at him. “The guys?”

“Playing online, we can do whatever we like” he winked and I chuckled hoarsely, nuzzling my nose with his in an Eskimo kiss. His bangs were falling in his beautiful eyes so I used a hand to brush it back, still smiling.

“Kiss me” He complied, brushing his nose against my cheek before leaning his head on a side to press his lips on mine in a gentle gesture that heated up in no time. Soon his hands were on my back, rubbing gently down my spine as my fingers gripped his shirt to make sure we wouldn’t break the contact. It turned into a sloppy make out session that left us breathless and grinning like two idiots. After we were done I leaned on him again and smelled his fragrance, closing my eyes.

“I was almost killed at the uni today, the physics teacher hates me” I snickered.

“Physics sucks, I don’t like it but I can help you if you want” I suggested and he nodded, kissing my forehead.

“I would forever be grateful” He probably observed the donuts. “Are there my favourites too?” I nodded and he tried to get up but I wrapped my legs around him, stopping him from moving. “Really?” He asked sarcastic and I nodded. His hands ended on my butt and he got up, taking me with him to the counter where he hardly grabbed a donut and then sat back, taking a bite off the thing and moaning in pleasure.

“You’re welcome” I said sarcastic and bit a little too, making him scowl at me. One thing was for sure: Jean Kirschtein didn’t enjoy the idea of sharing his food. “I want to cuddle”

“Aren’t we already?” He gulped and kissed my lips, his lips tasting almost too sweet.

“Not a good enough place” I mumbled and the door opened, letting Reiner and Bert inside.

“Hey, Marco. Jesus you guys are gross” Bert mumbled and all of us laughed. Jean got up and as we passed by them I said cheerfully:

“No one can out-gross you, guys! Don’t worry” I would have said more if we wouldn’t have reached the bedroom where he closed the door with his foot before stopping.

“Your bed or my bed?”

“Yours” I replied without a second thought and that’s where I was placed with care so I slowly let him go so he could sit beside me and cuddle me properly. I liked being the little spoon, even if I usually was the big one because my boyfriend was spoiled. “We could put the beds together, you know?” He chuckled.

“It’s been over a month and only now we think of this” We both laughed and I kissed his outstanding clavicle. “Wait a little” He stopped me and lowered himself so he could sink his teeth in my neck, sucking on the skin until it probably turned violet. I winced as a result but he didn’t stop until I grabbed his blonde hair and pulled him away, knowing I could barely cover those things.

“Marking me?” He frowned, caught in act.

“Showing everyone you are taken” It was a nicer way to put it; he was a sweet talker, of course.

“You’re so dumb for being jealous” He sighed but I smiled, amused by his behaviour. Him being jealous meant he cared so I kissed his lips once more before snuggling closer to him, placing my head on his slowly-rising chest. “I only want you”

“Okay” His voice was the one he used to have when we were spending a lazy day in bed and I was caressing his hair. It meant he was satisfied with what was going on and he didn’t want me to stop which made me smile contently. I wouldn’t have been in any other place right now.  


	13. Treize

            The thing about that day was that I felt awfully down ever since the moment I opened my eyes. My head was hurting but I was blaming that on tiredness and on the fact that it was raining outside. It was the first time in forever since we had such a cloudy sky and the puddles on the streets made me annoyed with the fact that I had to go to college _and_ work today. We were supposed to have dinner out tonight and that was honestly the only thing I was looking forward, I was even going to try to look better than usual for my boyfriend. When the alarm went off, my eyes were already opened and I cancelled it before rubbing Marco’s curls gently, indicating him it was time to wake up. We put the beds together but we still slept on one so it was useless.

            “Wake up, Freckles” I whispered, my voice hoarse and he mumbled something incoherently and turned his back to me, amusing me further. I leaned and pressed my lips against the back of his neck. “Come on, baby” He’s been sleeping little ever since the exams began because he had a lot to learn and it was normal he was this grumpy in the morning but he couldn’t skip college either.

            “Don’ wanna” he groaned and I kissed his neck again, running my fingers through his hair.

            “You have to. I’ll give you a morning kiss if you get up” I tried to bribe.

            “Morning kisses are gross” He was right, our mouths smelt bad and we weren’t exactly “sexy” but hey, that was all I could offer. “Make me coffee?” It was rarely for him to drink coffee but he needed it these days.

            “Okay” I got up and went to take a piss before having a brief shower and changing my clothes to go and prepare the breakfast and coffee. The breakfast was nothing complicated, we had some croissants I bought the day but those were good enough – I suppose. When Marco came into the room I saw he was wearing a linen dark green shirt and a pair of jeans that were looking just right on his bubble ass. He came over, probably seeing my grumpy face and pressed a rough kiss on my lips.

            “Good morning” he said generally and sat on his chair, beside Bert who was basically a zombie in the mornings. Reiner was already gone so we had a quiet breakfast and then we parted ways, each of us taking different paths. I had a hard time at college because all the teachers were a lot more mad than usual and some even yelled at us for not getting things done in time. I mean, excuse me for not handling all the projects correctly, it’s not like I am a human being, right?

            I barely heard from Marco, I knew he was stressed and probably working hard. Even in breaks he was going to the library to study which seemed... simply hardcore to me. I was texting Sasha from time to time and after I was done at uni I hurried towards the music shop where I dealt with a few shitty clients. I was so annoyed I spent my break chain-smoking with Ymir and once I got back I dealt with a few kids who were simply not knowing what they were looking for. A-fucking-mazing. I was ready to quit when my phone began to ring and I hissed.

            “Ymir! Take care of...” I stopped because I wanted to continue with “these little shits”. I went in the back and answered the insisting unknown number. “Yes?” I was expecting to be someone announcing me my delivery was appointed for today but instead of that someone asked me if I was Jean Kirschtein. “Yes, I am. What happened?”

            “Here is the hospital St. Mary, there has been an accident” My brain got blurry when I realized this hospital was situated in this city, it was not the one from back home. “Marco Bodt was involved in a car crush, the bus he was in was hit by...” she began to tell me details about the streets and how many people were hurt and I was so shocked that I dropped the phone and took a few seconds to pick it up.

            “Is he alright?” It was the only thing that mattered. “Is Marco okay?”

            “He was on a seat next to the window and the glass pierced his skin in various places but he’s stable” The woman said and I gulped.

            “I’ll be... I’ll be there” I had to snap out of it. I had to snap out of it. I kept repeating that to myself and got outside, heading to Ymir, barely focusing on anything.

            “What happened? You’re okay?” My hands were shaking.

            “Marco’s in the hospital” I gulped and she widened her eyes, announcing me she was going to call a cab. I was feeling like I was on the edge of despair and I was trying to breathe though it was feeling like an impossible task. I was dizzy, feeling like vomiting all the way there and once I reached the place I was lost in a sea of white. I was trembling badly when the nurse showed me the way and I felt my knees giving up when I saw him sleeping on the bed, an oxygen mask on his face that was half patched. Even his eye was covered and I was wondering if he still had it. I felt my stomach drop and felt like puking but gulped, going closer.

            “Is he in a coma?” The redhead nurse smiled to me, kindly.

            “No, honey, he’s just sleeping because of the medication” I nodded and paced closer, my eyes darting across his figure.

            “Is his eye...” I sat on the edge of the bed and touched his hand, afraid he would break.

            “It’s alright, the skin was bruised and we covered it too, he was severely bleeding, a piece of glass pierced his shoulder to the bone” I winced at the thought and the woman soon left, after asking me a few questions – like what I was to Marco and where did he live and if I could contact his parents. Having his parents there was not the first thing I would have wanted but I couldn’t keep them in the dark so I did as I was asked and gave them their phone numbers. I brushed his hand gently with mine and wondered what the fuck was going on with me, why wasn’t I crying? How could I not be crying? There was a storm inside me but nothing got me moving.

            “Marco” I whispered and squeezed his fingers tighter. I wanted to throw up at the thought of what could have happened but he was fine he was alive, the proof were the beeping sounds some machines were making. I don’t know how much I stood in the same place watching him but once his eyes opened I realized my muscles were sore. He blinked confused at me and panic could be read on his face so I went closer and cupped his face, gently touching the hurt side. “It’s okay, baby, you’re alright” I cooed and he focused on my face, his entire being trembling. “You’re okay, I promise, everything’s gonna be fine”

            “I can’t see” he mumbled in the mask and I realized he meant the covered eye.

            “It’s just bandaged, they’ll take the bandages off when the wounds heal” He struggled to move and winced. “Your shoulder is hurt, Marco, don’t move” I whispered and his eyes began to water, his face suddenly dampening. “Please don’t cry, Freckles, please” I said and tried to hug him without hurting him. “I love you so much and I’m so scared, please don’t cry”

            He continued to sob and hold onto me for a while, until a nurse came in and I had to let go.

            “The blood tests came out fine, we need to tend to your wounds next” She asked me to leave the room because she had to undress him and I did that, after kissing his forehead and promising I was just outside the door. The surprise was not small when I met Mr. And Mrs. Bodt when I was coming back from the hospital’s kitchen where I bought myself a coffee. The man watched me with hatred for a moment before turning his face so he wouldn’t see me and the woman began to cry as soon as she saw me and came to ask me how he was.

            “He just woke up a half an hour ago, he’s stable.” She gulped and I frowned because her eyes were flooded. “He was sitting next to the window so the glass damaged his skin”

            “Don’t talk to him” Mr. Bodt mumbled before grabbing her by the arm and coming closer to me. “Can’t you see that this was all your fault?” he muttered and I felt my blood boiling.

            “What?” I hissed.

            “It was God’s punishment for what you two do” My fists clenched into his shirt once I dropped the coffee and he took a big breath, my eyes probably murderous. How could he blame this on me? How could he say something like this? Marco was his son; he never deserved something like this.

            “Get lost” I growled and got inside the saloon when the nurse got out and told me I could. I was still angry but I decided to calm down for the sake of my boyfriend. I knew they entered the room too because Freckles’ eyes widened and I went to sit on the end of the bed, not looking back and taking his hand in mine, caressing his fingers gently. “Did it hurt?” He nodded and when the parents began to speak I haven’t even looked up, knowing I would snap if I did.

            “You need to come home, son” That was his father and this time I watched them alarmed. They wanted to take Marco away from me.

            “No” I said loudly and he squeezed my hand.

            “Jean, please wait outside” I wasn’t happy about it, of course not but I couldn’t fight him now so I did as I was told and began to pull my hair once I sat on the bench. It was all a bad dream, it was a nightmare, and I was actually in bed, waiting to get up. In that moment I began crying and I startled a few people in the waiting room because it was not the pretty kind of cry, it was a howling type, I was like a cornered animal. I cried until my face swollen and when a nurse came to tell me Marco wanted me back in I went, trying to look presentable. Once I stepped in I took a big breath, happy that the family was gone.

            I didn’t go closer; I stood close to the door, looking at his pained face. It was clear he was surprised to see me like that and he motioned me to go to him but I shook my head.

            “Please” he mumbled and I gulped. “Come here, Jean” I did as he said and took the hand he offered me. “I’m not going with them”

            “What?” It was logical for him to go home, it was safe, there was someone taking care of him always, I couldn’t offer him much.

            “I talked to the nurse, I won’t be able to do much but I won’t go back home, my whole life is in this town.” I nodded dumbly and he pulled me closer, forcing me to lie down beside him. “I love you”

            “I love you too, you know that” I whispered and began to draw patterns across his uncovered arm. “And I want you to get better” He murmured an agreement before relaxing into my hold, our fingers intertwined. We stood in silence for what seemed like forever and I was close to falling asleep when he began to shrug so I opened my eyes.

            “Jean?”

            “Hmm?”

“I remember everything now” My eyes snapped open and I took a big breath not understanding. I couldn’t exactly follow the track of his mind. Dark brown looked up at me and rosy lips parted. “Us. Titans.”

 

* * *

 

            It took me 20 minutes to reach the bathroom, like usual and I sighed, beginning to feel the anxiousness grow. I didn’t want to go out but I didn’t have a choice as I promised my boyfriend I would be there for his presentation. He had the photography final presentation today and he begged me to be there. I looked at myself in the mirror and winced at the sight: half of my face was destroyed and the sleepless nights were showing in the bags under my eyes. It’s been two months since the accident an I’ve done a lot of therapy but I still couldn’t stand the fact that that was how I was going to look from now on. My skin was torn and no matter how many times Jean told me I was still beautiful I couldn’t believe him.

_From: Jean_

_2 hours left_

            I smiled and said I’ll be there before going to shower and pick some clothes. I wasn’t sure of how people dressed at this kind of events so I chose something in between – not too fancy but not too casual. I took a cab to the university and after I found the class I sat in the back, taken aback by all the people already seated. They gave me weird looks, like always and is smiled bitterly and sneaked in the back, looking around for my nervous boyfriend. He was in the front, waiting and smiled at me, waving.

            I waved back and sat on an empty chair, looking at the presentation that began. Each of them had to choose a theme and as preoccupied as Jean was, I had no idea what theme he picked. The girl presenting chose “freedom” and the pictures were of clouds, which were beautiful. We had to go through a lot of other presentations before it was his turn and he went in the middle of the improvised stage and cleared his voice until the room went quiet.

            “The theme I chose is love” he said and I overheard some people muttering about how cliché it was but I ignored them and smiled when Jean’s eyes met mine. I was honestly expecting pictures of couples or families or something like that so my mouth gaped when I saw the first picture was of me, smiling widely. By the look of my hair it was made in the first weeks we’ve met, when we were still friends. It was taken at our place, on the balcony and the next one was of me winking. There were pictures of me, back in the winter when he came to visit, flushed cheeks and red nose that matched my scarf, of me pouting, holding his hand, laughing. I was happy to see all these but my heart was torn apart at the memories of my face from before. It was obvious I was in love with him even then; you could see it in my eyes. I smiled when the pictures from our dates came on, most of them with both of us, smiling, holding hands and even kissing in one or two.

            There must’ve been more than a hundred and I gasped when I saw pictures of me after the accident, one of me on the hospital bed, a bouquet of flowers in my arms, another one took when I first stepped outside of the hospital, feeling the pain of walking once again. I wasn’t looking as lively as before but the love was still there, steady as I grimaced and wondered why he stilled take pictures of me if I was looking like that. He answered me many times this question : “Because you’re beautiful”. “Because you’re mine”. “Because I love you”. The final one was a picture of us drinking coffee, taken a few days ago and only when it ended did I realize my cheeks were damp. Hazel eyes found me in the crowded room and I mouthed “I love you” earning an uncharacteristic shy smile.

            I cried for the rest of the presentations and the truth was I wasn’t sure why –maybe because I was overwhelmed. At the end, when everyone left I exited the room too, waiting for him on the hall, my back pressed against the wall. When he saw me, he came closer, chuckling while wiping my tears off my face.

            “Don’t cry, you dumbass” he whispered lovingly and wrapped his arms around me, our chests pressing together, allowing my sobs to grow louder. “There, there” he rubbed my back gently and then pressed a kiss on my forehead. “Let’s go eat something”

            “Okay” I sniffled and found out we had reservation and not just anywhere – at one of the fanciest restaurants in town. I was feeling pretty weird when we got inside, seeing people were dressed very good while we were in jeans. Our table was next to the window and I smiled at Jean as soon as we sat down.

            “So what do you think about my project?”He was nervous, like always when he was talking about his passion. I took his hand in mine on the table.

            “It was perfect” His face broke into a smile and he took our fingers to his lips to kiss them soundly. We ordered some wine, had a lot of food – three courses and per total, a very good time. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt this easygoing in public but Jean’s carelessness freed me. The stars were out already and there was jazz in the background; all I could concentrate on was the sound of my favourite laughter, the image of a loving smile. His warm tone was melting my insides every time he called me “babe” or “Freckles” and I swear to God my cheeks were hurting from so much smiling.

            We walked back home, hand in hand and while on a bridge we stopped to admire the view. I rested my head on his shoulder and breathed his scent.

            “I love you” I said and didn’t give him the chance to reply because I covered his mouth with mine, slowly gliding my lips against his. He tasted sweet, of the desert we just had and our tongues didn’t hesitate to meet, making me sigh because of the pleasure. This was heaven: feeling him close to me, his heartbeat singing to mine. When we parted he rested his forehead against mine, our lips barely touching.

            “I want to marry you one day” he whispered, as if it was a secret and my eyes widened, tears beginning to form. I laughed happy and surprised and kissed him chastely.

            “Okay” I grinned. “I’ll marry you one day” He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into a bear hug, letting the love and warmth surround me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading my story! x


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